Question: Hi! I am a 20-year-old girl currently doing my graduation. I have a boyfriend and we have been together since our school days.
We are now in the same college. We haven’t been able to meet since the lockdown started.
This the longest time that we have spent without meeting or seeing each other. Like most couples facing the same situation, we too try staying connected through phone calls, video chat, social media etc. However, a few days back while we were talking over the phone, my boyfriend said that he wanted to try something new.
He further explained that he wants to have phone sex. He also requested me to send nudes. I was really taken by surprise, if not shock. It’s not that we do not talk about sex. We have engaged in kissing, hugging and all but we never had sex.
So, the idea of having phone sex was really repulsive for me. Plus, I am not comfortable sending nude selfies or pictures. What if those are misused? Since I could not share all these intimate thoughts with my boyfriend, I took it lightly and said maybe we can try phone sex later but not then.
After that, he had been constantly reminding me about it and one day he even sent me a picture of his erect penis on WhatsApp and a video of him masturbating. I was so shocked that I called him and told him not to send such things.
He then apologised and also told me that the lockdown is making him crazy. He said he wants to meet me and spend time with me and since he hasn’t been able to do that, it is making him very frustrated. After that incident, he seems to be a little off and lacks enthusiasm when he talks with me.
I love him a lot and he is a good person. But I don’t know what I should do under these circumstances?
Should I have phone sex with my boyfriend? —By Anonymous
Response by Dr Kedar Tilwe: Dear reader, every relationship is based on trust, understanding, compromise and a willingness to make an effort towards making things work. However, this is only possible in a non-coercive and safe environment.
The current necessary scenario of lockdown can cause an increase in anxiety and decreased frustration tolerance in some people. It can also make us feel isolated and detached from our partners, and sometimes out of sync with their expectations too. This can lead to miscommunications and misinterpretations, which need to be immediately corrected.
No one can force you to make decisions that you are not comfortable with, and this needs to be spelt out to your boyfriend clearly—do not feel guilty or pressured about it. Assertiveness and defining the boundaries in your relationship are of paramount importance, and it is a discussion you need to have with your partner.
Respect for each other’s consent and choice is often the foundation on which every relationship is built. Remember that a ‘no is a ‘no’ and it is important that your boyfriend learns to accept this and adhere to it. Use the little time remaining of the lockdown to test the seriousness of both of your resolve towards this. If, however, the unwanted and indecent advances continue, reach out to a trusted confidant or the appropriate authority to deal with it.
