Before we started dating I had a lot of men in my life. Some of these men were my friends and others were people who were hoping to start a relationship with me. I had no interest in them so that was never a problem for me. It was only when John came along that I gave him my attention.
The first year of our relationship was a bit rough. It had to do with his dislike for the men in my life. He complained whenever a man called or texted me. It didn’t matter if they were my friends or strangers on the internet who sent me DMs. He just did not want me to talk to any man besides him.
I did not want to do as he wanted at first but I realized it was bad for our relationship. We were constantly arguing, and I did not like that so I just decided to stop responding to DMs from men. Unfortunately, doing that did not end his insecurities. He continued to complain every time any of my male friends called or sent me a text. “You call him your friend but if he gets the opportunity to sleep with you, he won’t pass on it. I am a man so I know what I am talking about.” That’s what he always said whenever I told him, “Relax, this person is just my friend.” And because I didn’t like it when we argued, I started letting go of my male friends one after the other.
By the time we were five years into the relationship, he was the only man in my life. That’s not even true. He was the only person I was actively talking to besides my family. He succeeded in driving even my female friends away. He became my friend and my confidante. So even if he was making me uncomfortable, I couldn’t discuss it with anyone. He would tell me, “I don’t like this thing about you, change it.” Sometimes I would say no and we would end up fighting. Then I would feel bad and bend over a little, just to please him.
Our entire relationship had to do with me chipping pieces of myself away so I could fit into the perfect image of his ideal woman. It got to a point where I could no longer recognize myself. In my quest to make a man I love happy, I ended up losing everything that made me special. While I was altering myself to please him, this man was busy maintaining an open line of communication with his ex-girlfriend. I told him I did not like him talking to his ex, but he refused to cut her off for me.
His communication with his ex-girlfriend is something we fought about constantly but nothing changed. I saw his unwillingness to let go of just one person for me yet I agreed to marry him. And I saw the errors of my ways when John’s ex-girlfriend showed up on our wedding day. As if her presence there was not disrespectful to me enough, my groom left me while we were taking photos, and went to talk to her. I felt so embarrassed but I maintained a happy smile on my face to keep up appearances.
After we got to our hotel that night I told him, “You should have married your ex instead of disrespecting me on our wedding day the way you did. Now the most special day in our lives will forever be tainted by the memory of your ex.” I was hurt but he acted like it was not a big deal. What could I do but forgive him and move on? After all this, they still chat. That’s the husband God gave me. A man who cannot let go of his ex.
I was using his iPad a week after his wedding when his Instagram notification displayed a message. I tapped on it and it took me to his dm. The things I saw in there shocked me. All this while, I thought his ex was the problem but it was him. My husband is the kind of man who goes about initiating conversations with multiple women. When the conversation picks up he would give his number to them and ask that they chat with him on WhatsApp. Among the many women he is chatting with, one of them is a married woman. And they are planning to meet up.
I have been asking myself a lot of questions, “Where did I go wrong? Is he doing this because he doesn’t love me anymore?” I believe I will have some peace if I can get him to answer these questions. But I know he will dismiss me so I haven’t bothered confronting him. My plan is to look for that married woman’s husband and send him screenshots of his wife’s chats with my husband. As for my husband, I no longer talk to him like I used to. In fact, the love I have for him is gone. I get very wicked thoughts every time I see his face.
I am just pained that I lost people who genuinely cared about me because of him. I lost myself because I thought it would make me enough for me. It turns out that I was wrong. I just pray I heal soon from all of this, if not, this marriage will not last.
–Maame
