We got married six years ago. We should have had three children by now but we lost the third one. Since we don’t count the dead among the living, we say we have two children.
My husband and I met in school. He was a cool guy and a decent man for that matter so we got connected right from the start. I liked him and he liked me but we took things slowly and built friendship instead of jumping into a relationship right away. When we completed school, he proposed to me. I liked him so I accepted his proposal. I moved from being just a friend to being his girlfriend.
Our relationship was a long-distance one so I didn’t get to know him the way I should. People are usually on their best behavior when they are friends. You don’t get to know them in certain ways until your relationship progresses beyond friendship. Our relationship was smooth so not long after the proposal, we started preparing for marriage. He wasn’t working then. I was the one working so I was the one bringing home the bread in the relationship.
A few weeks before our wedding, he borrowed money from someone. I told him, “You are not working, how are you going to pay back what you’ve taken. Kindly return it.” He refused. I pressed him to send the money back. He kept holding on to the money. At that moment I realized he was going to be a problem for me when we get married. I wasn’t ready to marry someone who was going to bring me problems so I called off the wedding. He ran to my brother to complain to him. My brother called and advised me to rescind my decision; “You can’t call off a wedding at the first misunderstanding. Forgive whatever he did and resume plans for the wedding. “If there’s one person I listened to, It’s my brother. I listened to what he told me and resumed the plans for the wedding.
Because my fiancé wasn’t working, I bore the cost of the wedding. He didn’t contribute a pesewa or buy anything in the name of the wedding. I paid for everything—from the knocking ceremony to the white wedding. It didn’t feel right but I was very naïve or maybe it was love or just the desire to get married. When we got married, I took care of the house for the first four years of the marriage. He was my husband and we were partners so I gave him access to my finances including my ATM pin. Everything I knew he knew. That was how much I trusted him, and how transparent I was in the marriage.
Four years after our marriage he got a job. I was relieved and happy at the same time. Finally, I could think of him as someone who could help pay the bills and help pay the rent. But things started changing right after he had a job. When his salary started coming, the change in him became drastic. The first thing he did was to put a password on his phone. He wouldn’t tell me how much he earned and I couldn’t access his phone to find out. To date, I don’t know how much he earns. This is the man who knows everything about me including my finances.
Things got messier when I got pregnant with our third child. While I was having complications with my pregnancy, I found out that he was cheating on me. As if that wasn’t enough, he started misbehaving toward my family. I didn’t fight him or try to even talk about what he was doing. I just wanted my baby to be okay so that I would deliver in peace. Unfortunately, I lost that baby. The little I expected from my husband was to show care and empathy at that moment of grief but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about me and didn’t care about the turn of events. His concern was with the woman he was cheating on me with.
He came to me one day and said, “I am planning on marrying a second wife. You already know her. I no longer want it to be in the dark so you tell me I’m cheating. I’m making it official now so we stop the cat and mouse chase.” I just told him, “Go ahead. marry whoever you want to marry. I’m here waiting for you.” The plan was to wait and see if he had the balls to go ahead with that devilish plan. “If he dares marry another woman, I will simply file for divorce and leave the marriage for them.”
I had my plan but I didn’t sit down and wait for him to do what he had planned to do. I went to his mother to lodge a complaint about her son’s behavior but she already knew of her son’s plan to marry another woman. She said, “I want him to marry a woman from our hometown so that his children will not be lost.”
“Ah, how is that possible? How can his children lose their way just because he married me, someone who doesn’t come from his hometown? Does that mean our two kids are already lost? What sort of thinking is that?”
I realized that I couldn’t reason with her so I went to his father’s family in hopes that they would be reasonable. It was in my interaction with them that I learned that he had gotten the girl pregnant and she gave birth to a baby girl.
It looked like I was the only one who didn’t know what was happening. My husband cheated on me and has a child with his mistress but they were all acting as if it was something normal. This man has dishonored our marriage and made a mockery of our vows yet no one was holding him accountable.
When my family called his family to ask for a sit-down talk, they told us, “We will decide on a date and get back to you.” They haven’t gotten back to us after several follow-up calls. This has empowered my husband to act as if he has the sole power to determine where our marriage goes. I won’t leave the marriage. Not now. He calls the other woman in my presence and they talk as if my presence means nothing to them. That’s how much he currently disrespects me and my status in his life as a wedded wife. I thought he was my friend. I thought he loved me. I was wrong. He was just an unemployed man with no money who took advantage of my love and naivety
The unfortunate thing is this; not long after he got a job, I lost mine. Currently, I’m unemployed. I am only bidding my time till I stand on my feet again. And I’m patiently waiting for the moment he marries his mistress and then I would walk out of the marriage and never look back.