I found a man that loved me at my heaviest weight. Dreamy, right? Wrong.
In the beginning, my ex-boyfriend was supportive of the idea of me losing weight in an, “if that’s what you want to do, then I support you” kind of way.
But if he wanted to eat out and I had planned to cook a healthy meal, that support would sour.
Sometimes he would get frustrated and say, “It’s just one meal. One meal isn’t going to kill you.”
But anyone who has struggled to break unhealthy eating habits knows that just one cheat meal can be dangerous.
“Just one meal” can undo progress.
It’s kind of like taking off a pair of jeans and putting on a comfy pair of pajama pants — why would you want to put the jeans back on when you can stay in your pajamas?
The arguments that would ensue if I stood my ground with my boyfriend were rough. I would wonder: Why do I have to justify my desire to eat healthily? I thought I had his support about losing weight?
Of course, I wanted to give in and say, “Yeah, thanks, pizza sounds good,” and sit down and watch TV after a long day at work. I didn’t want to spend half an hour sweating in the kitchen cooking a meal he wasn’t going to appreciate.
These endless arguments with him chipped away at my willpower and likely contributed to my failed weight loss attempts.
Things between us became more brittle as I lost more weight.
His support had been based on hypothetical circumstances because I don’t think he thought I would actually lose weight. And I can see why — I had made many failed weight loss attempts before with no real long-term commitment or success.
One night, I came home from work and we were talking in the bedroom. I was unbuttoning a flannel shirt. Under it was a fitted shirt.
“Woah,” my ex commented. “You’ve lost a lot of weight!”
“Yeah, it’s noticeable in this shirt. That’s why I wore the flannel. Didn’t want to deal with attention from the coworkers about it.”
He sneered a bit. “That’s sad. You shouldn’t care what those people think.”
I deflated a bit. Was it sad to care? Really?
Sometimes I still wonder: Did my being plus-sized make him feel more secure in our relationship? Did he think no one else would want me as long as I weighed more than X amount of pounds?
I used to think he was body-positive, but maybe I was wrong.
Maybe he was just insecure.
Does it matter to you if the love you receive is conditional?
