Question: Hi! I am a 34-year-old woman living in the US with my husband and our two years old son. Our parents live in India. I am very unhappy because my husband is not good at showing affection and rarely makes me feel special or loved. I love him very much and I like to be around him as it makes me very happy. Unfortunately, my husband is a workaholic and he thinks family time is enough and gives no importance to couple time. He criticizes everything I do because he likes things to be done to perfection. Even though I do a lot of household chores and help my son in doing his school work but my husband thinks I am lazy and am not doing enough. He even criticizes me for not working hard to get a job and laughs at me for not being able to stay at one job for long. We also constantly fight over the division of household chores. We are sexually not compatible, which adds up to the frustration. My husband wants only oral sex most of the time and does not want to do anything in return. I don’t mind giving him oral sex but I like oral sex to be followed by traditional sex. Also, I want to have sex more frequently but he keeps on working till late night (sometimes until 2-3 am even on weekends) It leaves me sexually unsatisfied. I keep on nagging for these things but it causes fights and he gets defensive. All these are making me very unloved and unwanted. Please tell me what should I do? —By Anonymous
Response by Dr. Kedar Tilwe: Dear reader, the bedrock of each marital relationship is made up of mutual trust, proper communication, affection for each other, and both emotional and physical intimacy. Sometimes it is possible that your feelings are not reciprocated the way you expect them to be. In such times, it comes down to one partner to carry the emotional burden of sustaining the relationship, and it seems that you are trying to keep the flame alive the best you can.
So let me try and give some suggestions which may be helpful. People who tend to value work over everything else usually are often perfectionists. This behavior may percolate into the personal areas of their lives as well, including establishing an emotional connection with their spouse’s leading to stonewalling and inability to express themselves. You need to remind him; preferably gently, of the work you do as a homemaker and the ton of effort which goes into ensuring that your family’s day goes smoothly. Strictly in a lighter-vein, the current social distancing norms may give you the opportunity to prove this.
Please do not let yourself be ridiculed and do try to stand up to the unnecessarily harsh criticism being directed towards you. Trying to make your locus of control internal, and not subject to the whims and fancies of someone else is a good place to start with. Learning assertive communication, reminding yourself regularly of your self-worth, and building up your self-confidence are some of the techniques which may help you do so.
Sex is an act that is enjoyable and pleasurable only with the consent of both the partners involved in it. If you are able to have a frank discussion with your husband regarding your needs, then please do so. Sometimes you may have to take the lead and be the initiator. Trying different variations and making an effort to get the romance back in your relationship could help both of you open up as a couple sexually. Self-stimulation can also be considered.
Do reach out to a Couples Counselor nearby as counseling can create the necessary feelings of security and acceptance to air your concerns and find the way forward.
