Dear Coleen,
My wife and I are really good friends with another couple who we met through our daughter’s school. We often go to the pub or to restaurants with them and we also get together with our kids for family outings.
My dilemma is, I really fancy the woman, who’s incredibly sexy, but it’s not just physical.
I love her personality – she’s smart, funny, kind and all-round amazing. I love everything about her.
It’s getting to the point where I’m finding it hard to be in her company because I get the urge to tell her how I feel, and I’m starting to worry our partners will pick up on it.
Lately, I’ve even been going to places she goes to with her kids and using my daughter as a ‘wing man’ in the hope I might bump into her.
The weird thing is, my marriage is actually fine. I love my wife and still find her very attractive, but I can’t get this woman out of my mind.
I get the feeling that she’s attracted to me, too, but would probably never act on it.
Please tell me what I should do – I’ve never been in this situation before.
Coleen says
We’re all attracted to other people – we wouldn’t be human if we weren’t – but the crucial thing is what you decide to do about it. It’s also natural to get bored in long-term relationships and crave some sexual excitement, and this woman has reminded you of how that feels – she’s reawoken something in you.
But try really hard to think about the potential outcome of this and think about how hurt your wife would be if she read all these things you’ve written about another woman.
Even knowing how you feel about this woman is shattering for her self-esteem and could end your marriage.
Right now, this is a fantasy and fantasies are usually never as good in reality. Face it, the chances of this woman actually leaving her marriage to be with you are pretty slim.
I think it would be a good idea to step back from your friendship with this couple, but not so it’s obvious. If you have a cooling off period and give yourself the chance to reconnect with your wife emotionally and sexually you might find you feel differently when you see this woman again.
You might even feel surprised you had such strong feelings for her.
I do understand how strong and confusing these feelings can be, but think hard about the consequences of acting on it.
And make more effort to bring the fun and excitement back to your marriage.
