Throughout my years working with people who hope to fall in love, I’ve learned that everyone thinks they are ready to meet their soulmate.

But as we spend time working together — and based on the processes I take them through — they often discover that they’re not ready for various reasons. This means they have more growth to do, a project in their lives, or past experiences to process. 

You may recognize yourself in these signs, or someone you love. Maybe even someone you believe to be your soulmate, someone you can love for life.  

Here are a few signs someone isn’t ready for love — no matter how badly they want it

1. They’re seeking love and validation from others.

We tend to place an expectation on others to love us. This leads to thinking there must be something wrong with us if we aren’t loved by another person. 

This is a misconception because love already exists within all of us. 

Other people can activate it, and we feel it strongly when we’re with those people. However, no one has ever handed someone their love on a silver platter. When we seek love or validation outside of ourselves we depend on somebody else for our happiness. When we are with our soulmates, we don’t need to depend on them. We don’t need other people to love us. It’s just easy, and it flows organically.

2. They don’t truly love themselves.

When I was a teenager, my mom always told me I needed to love myself more, and then I’d meet someone great to date. But I never knew what that meant. Does loving myself mean I give myself hugs? Does it mean that I have more friends and try to be cool?

What I came to realize was that to love myself, I needed to do some inner work. When I started to peel back the layers of who I was, I began to investigate what I wanted out of life, I was able to identify what patterns of behavior I was exhibiting that were out of alignment with my desires, so I started looking for ways to heal those patterns.

The key to this is developing self-trust. This is truly one of the deepest and most challenging issues many people have. They don’t feel like they can trust themselves. Yet, there is a wise one within each of us who knows what’s best for us and how to guide us to manifest all that we desire — especially in finding our soulmate relationship. The more we listen with our hearts and follow that internal energy instead of external information, the more we’ll be able to trust ourselves.

Another piece to self-love is self-value. Knowing we’re worthy and deserve everything we desire, especially an amazing relationship with a fabulous person, is a profound way of self-love. This also means we’re not willing to settle for anyone who doesn’t lift us, inspire us, or support us in being the best version of ourselves.

3. They have unfinished business with an ex.

If someone still has emotional ties with their ex, they are not ready for a soulmate. They must do whatever they need to do to have complete closure with their ex, even if the ex is their children’s parent who is seen regularly.

Unfinished business could look like feeling hurt, angry, or anything emotional response that is disturbing their peace in any way. Or, maybe something needs to be said that they have pushed under the rug.

The best way they can support themselves in resolving this unfinished business is to express what they’re feeling. If it’s possible, discussing with their ex about whatever needs to be said is powerful and can be very healing.

However, if they’d rather chew glass than be in the same room with their ex, they can write a letter instead to tell their ex anything and everything they need to say in writing. As soon as that is done, the letter is signed and immediately ripped up. Do not go back and reread it. Do not send it. If it’s safe to do so, burn it or flush it down the toilet.

If there are things that the ex needs to hear after a few days, they can determine what needs to be done — whether it’s having an in-person discussion with their ex or writing an email. It’s better to clear as much of the hurt and anger before so the ex can receive what is being told to them more positively.

4. They’re hoping somebody will “stick”, rather than focusing on finding the right person.

Having clarity about who we want to be in a relationship with provides us with so much information to support our dating lives.

Some say creating a list of 100 specific things that are wanted in a partner and the relationship is the most effective. I recommend writing a list of experiences and feelings to share with an ideal mate.

When creating this list, it’s important to begin each sentence with “I am…” or “We are…” For example, to be with a certain type of person, write, “I am experiencing a deep attraction for my partner. Every time I look at them, I get butterflies in my stomach. They take my breath away whenever they walk into the room.”

This statement will connect more to the feelings about the perfect person for you, which is extremely powerful. It also is a way to keep the options open about who they are rather than limiting them by expecting them to look a certain way.

5. They’re not committed to having “the one” — for life.

When most people have a difficult time finding a partner that will commit to them, it’s because they’re not committed to themselves and their desires. Committing means we’re not just talking the talk we’re also walking the walk.

Take a lifestyle inventory and check how living would be the same if “the one” was here now. Are they already the person they would show up for the date as?

Do they already dress the way they would dress for a date? Is their home ready for a visit (there aren’t dishes in the sink that haven’t been washed in three days)? Is their attitude about work and life how it would be if they were already in a relationship? Are they currently showing up in the excellent way that they’d show up with their lover by their side?

What do they feel if they woke up and felt their arms around their lover? What would they be feeling if, after a hard day’s work, they were cooking a favorite meal for someone? What would they feel if it was the weekend and they were doing their favorite activities or running errands together?

If they’re not “walking the walk” and behaving or feeling the way they want, they’re not setting themselves up to find their soulmate.

So if someone is doing any of these five things, they should follow these steps and make a shift that will transform their dating life — and life in general. Doing so will also make dating easier and so much more fun!