LOVE. Often talked about like it’s the best thing that can happen to us, and for most people, it brings joy, connection, and meaning.
But what happens when love becomes something else entirely, when it starts to take and take until there’s nothing left of a person but their desperation to be wanted?
There is, however, a new trend of love. Although not officially recognized in the DSM-5, therapists and psychologists are very familiar with its patterns. It is described as Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD), and it involves obsessive attachment, emotional dependency, intense jealousy, and the inability to let go even when it’s causing harm.
Let me tell you about Angela, who fell into OLD through unrequited love. She was a 25-year-old when she met her 29-year-old boyfriend Heinrich while traveling and briefly had an affair.
However, she was crushed when Heinrich suddenly told her he was not in love with her after having an affair with her.
She sank into depression and repeatedly wrote him letters. She said, “I sent letter after letter asking him to call.”
After two weeks of silence, Angela couldn’t bear it anymore; she impulsively rushed to the train station and boarded the train to Berlin to confront him. Arriving at midnight outside his apartment, she was terrified and began sobbing uncontrollably.
According to her account, Heinrich eventually told her to sleep on a pallet, but when she wept “so long and so loudly” that he eventually came in to comfort her by having sex with her—and then sent her away the next morning.
What she experienced wasn’t just intense affection; it was a manifestation of Obsessive Love Disorder, a condition where love becomes an all-consuming obsession.
But what’s wrong with obsessive love? “It’s better than being cheated on or betrayed; at least you know that person likes you madly and will never leave you, in addition to loving you till the end,” one may say.
We often associate obsession with romantic relationships—the dramatic breakups, the clingy partner, the jealousy. But what we rarely talk about is how this same pattern, this deep emotional dependency, can happen in friendships, too.
We often celebrate close friendships as sacred—the person you can call at 2 a.m., your ride-or-die, your “other half.” But sometimes, what looks like closeness hides something far more painful. I’ve seen friendship turned into obsession. And it’s not just unhealthy; it’s dangerous.
What I witnessed wasn’t just someone being “a bit clingy” or “overly attached.” It was something deeper. Something that mental health professionals call Obsessive Love Disorder (OLD)—and yes, it shows up in friendships, not just romantic relationships.
We don’t talk about it enough, but OLD in friendships can be just as consuming. It can start subtly—one friend always needing constant reassurance, texting non-stop, panicking when the other doesn’t respond immediately.
Then it escalates. That person begins to build their entire identity around the friendship. They cancel their plans. They neglect their well-being. They stop pursuing their own goals. Everything becomes about being close to that one friend—keeping them, pleasing them, never upsetting them.
And when that bond is threatened even slightly, it feels like the end of the world.
I watched someone I care about spiral because their best friend made a new friend. It sounds small—until you see the tears, the anxiety attacks, and the depressive crash.
They began questioning their worth, stalking their friend’s social media, and blaming themselves for being “replaceable.” They even hinted that maybe the world would be better off without them—all because the person they felt safest with was no longer as available.
This is not drama. It’s a disorder. It’s pain. And it deserves to be taken seriously.
According to mental health experts, OLD is often rooted in deep emotional wounds. Many who struggle with it have experienced neglect or trauma in early life, leading to insecure attachments and an overwhelming fear of abandonment. For some, co-occurring disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder or OCD may intensify the symptoms.
In more severe cases, distorted beliefs—like those found in erotomania—can lead to dangerous assumptions and actions.
One of the most heartbreaking things about OLD is how completely someone can lose themselves in another person. They stop eating. They stop sleeping. They cancel their plans.
They give up hobbies, friends, and even opportunities, all to keep someone close—even if that person isn’t giving anything back. Every decision becomes about how not to lose the other person. Their own needs, their safety, their mental health—all of that gets pushed aside.
I’ve watched it happen. I’ve seen a friend apologize for things they didn’t do, beg for attention, and try to twist themselves into someone they’re not, just to be loved a little longer. And when that love was withdrawn even slightly, they spiraled. They didn’t want to live in a world where they weren’t chosen. That’s how dark it can get.
According to psychologists, people with OLD often have deep-rooted trauma or insecure attachment styles formed in childhood.
Some may also be battling conditions like Borderline Personality Disorder or obsessive-compulsive tendencies that intensify the fear of abandonment.
In these cases, their entire identity can become tied to someone else’s presence or approval—and when that presence disappears, so does their sense of worth. The emotional toll can be devastating. Many individuals with OLD report suicidal thoughts when they feel rejected or abandoned. They may say things like “I can’t live without them,” and they mean it.
Their brain isn’t processing a breakup or silence like an inconvenience; it’s interpreting it as emotional death. But here’s the thing: this isn’t about being “too emotional” or “dramatic.” It’s not just a rough patch. It’s a mental health crisis. And as friends, we need to recognize that.
But there is help available. Psychologists often recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help individuals identify and change harmful thought patterns around love and relationships.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), particularly effective for those with intense emotional responses, supports better emotional regulation and boundaries.
In some cases, medication may help manage underlying anxiety or depression. But before any of that, someone needs to step in.
Someone needs to care enough to ask a question, to start a conversation, to suggest that maybe—just maybe—what’s happening isn’t healthy.
Someone needs to say: “I see you. I see that this is breaking you. You don’t have to carry this alone.”
If you’ve ever seen a friend caught in something like this, I’m asking you—please—don’t dismiss it as “just heartbreak” or “a clingy phase.” These aren’t just moments of weakness or romantic overreactions. They can be signs of a serious emotional struggle that deserves attention and compassion.
Don’t stay silent. Reach out. Be gentle. Be kind. Encourage them to seek professional help.
Because behind the drama, the tears, and the late-night phone calls, there might be someone quietly drowning—and waiting for someone to throw them a lifeline.
The writer, Carolyn Tetteh, is a social media executive at Multimedia (Adom FM).
ALSO READ: