1. Changing this habit made my dating life dramatically better
It was the year 2017 and my emotional self was going through a roller coaster ride. I invested myself in two relationships at different points of time in a span of one year. Both ended leaving me broken and distraught. Being in the first year of my post-graduate studies at that time, I had to go through a rigorous schedule every day, both on mental and emotional level. There were days that did not seem to end and my heart and mind yearned for solace. I always used to ask myself that what was wrong from my side that both the relationships were unsuccessful. Was it because of the kind of person I am? Or was it due to some habit of mine?
2. The questions that haunted my mind
After asking these questions to myself for a long time, and after visiting a psychologist for sessions because of the heart ache and bouts of anxiety attacks that I was going through, I found an answer. And trust me, the moment I found the answers, everything started making sense. Every fight, every argument, every misunderstanding that was a part of both the relationships, started coming back to me and I could identify the reasons behind them. I won’t say that it was only because of me that those fights happened, but I had a fair share in them. The one reason that came out to be common in my unsuccessful relationships was my habit of loving the other person more than myself. Yes, this was the primary reason of my complicated love life. Love is a beautiful feeling and everyone deserves to be loved and to experience this feeling. The initial phase of a relationship is so magical and exciting that one never wants to come out of it. It is in this phase that the two people move from the ‘liking’ phase to the ‘loving’ phase. But what about a person who has never reached the phase of ‘loving’ the self? Can that person actually love someone? If yes, then is the resultant relationship a healthy one?
3. The answers!
Both my relationships were with smart, intelligent, self-dependent, self-loving women. On the other hand, I was a person without any self-belief and was not even comfortable with myself. When I got into a relationship, the lack of self-love got transferred to loving the ‘other’. I thought that my love is infinite and no one could love more or better than me. But here was the fault. I was a man who did not love myself enough and loved the ‘other’ person, my partner more than myself. On the other hand, my girlfriend loved herself the most. This self-love of my partner was perceived by me as being ‘selfish’. I always used to think that she does not love me as much I do. However, the reality was that she did love me, cared for me and wanted to be with me. But I, having deprived myself of self-love, wanted more. I did not realise that this ‘more’ could not be fulfilled by them but me, by loving myself.
4. The importance of self-love
During my sessions with a relationship expert, I realised the importance of self-love. Every person whether man or woman, needs to love themselves first. Only when you are comfortable with yourself, and feel loved by self, you could appreciate your partner’s love for you. Else you will always feel a sense of lack which would be automatically attributed to your partner. It is very important to understand that one could feel love truly and completely only when the person feels complete by themselves.
5. How my life changed after this
It took me some time to come out of the cocoon that I had restricted myself to after the break-ups. However, I knew what needed to be done for a healthy, confident self and a fulfilling, romantic love life. I started to nurture my inner self and this in turn, made me feel confident and helped me make peace with myself. Once this happened, everything started to fall in place. I could say now that the person whom I love the most is myself. Also, this made me grow as a human and as a man. In fact, when I fell in love again, I could feel that I was in a more comfortable space, which in turn helped me become a more committed lover. And with God’s grace, our relationship has been growing stronger and steady ever since.
6. A message for all
Sometimes, one needs to put himself before others. This is not being selfish but is a way of developing the inner-self and self-love. A person who does not love himself or herself would never feel completely loved. On a long term basis, this becomes one of the primary reasons for a toxic relationship. The love that you could not give to yourself, could not be fulfilled by anyone. So, appreciate yourself, believe in yourself and most importantly, fall in love with yourself.
