This state of being can help you discern whether the kind of thoughts you’re having may be signs you’re involved in an unhealthy, perhaps even toxic, relationship.

Unhealthy relationships are characterized by insecurity, distrust, preoccupation, and disconnection.

Bear in mind that your own mental health is a huge factor in your state of anxiety and ability to trust; therefore the health of the relationship is not necessarily a reflection on just your partner. It is rather a function of the connection between you as a couple.

The strength and health of your connection with one another relies on each of you being in, or at least evolving towards, a healthy relationship with yourself.

The statements you make to yourself within your inner dialogue can reveal a great deal about whether or not that is the case. If you find yourself having some or all of these six recurrent thoughts, your inner monologue is sending you signs that it’s a toxic, unhealthy relationship.

Here are 6 unhealthy relationship thoughts:

1. “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around my partner”
In healthy relationships, there is a baseline sense of ease and comfort in being your best self. If you feel yourself constantly walking on eggshells around your partner, some issues are not being talked about, understood, or accepted. This state of being will not support you being your best self in the relationship or outside the relationship. This is a symptom that should be addressed sooner rather than later! Initiate or find help initiating a healthy dialogue that will allow you to discover whether whatever you are tiptoeing around can be resolved.

2. “I don’t understand my partner’s moods”
Everyone has mood shifts and mood swings. In a healthy relationship, a good level of understanding develops such that you each have a good working sense of when and why your moods shift. The core of a healthy bond is that the two people are good at mutually tracking and regulating their own and each other’s emotional states. Starting in infancy, this process is how our brains wire an emotional connection through the experience of trust.

In unhealthy relationships, mood shifts feel mysterious and therefore dangerous. If you find yourself constantly unsure of your partner’s feeling state and feel ill at ease because their mood shifts don’t’ make sense to you, beware. You either need to do some work together to reach a level of mutual understanding, or the relationship will become less and less healthy over time.

3. “I feel constantly uncertain about my partner’s connection to me”
Disconnection and uncertainty define unhealthy relationships. Of course, the connection in any relationship will ebb and flow. But if the overriding feeling is characterized by uncertainty and/or you are preoccupied, wondering about the connection, your relationship probably needs some work.

4. “I’m not sure whether I can trust my partner to be faithful”
In a strong, healthy bond, there is a mutual feeling that you are in it together. While many people are aware of some level of jealousy, couples in a healthy relationship can state with a high degree of certainty that they feel their partner is faithful to them. An ongoing level of preoccupation about your partner’s faithfulness is not a healthy state to live in. Preoccupation zaps energy from your life, friendships, work, and play. A healthy relationship should support the rest of your life, not drain energy from it.

5. “My partner wouldn’t be affected much if I were unfaithful”
When we are bonded to another person, a betrayal of that bond feels like a knife in the gut. If one or the other of you feels unphased by romantic or sexual feelings with another, there is likely not a healthy depth to the bond. Guarding the bond is a protective instinct. If that instinct is not there, it may be an indication that the bond isn’t there either.

6. “Things will be better as soon as…”
Granted, some periods of life pose challenges to a relationship. But if you constantly find yourself rationalizing problems in the connection due to external events, beware. A healthy bond will help you through difficult times more often than not. If you find yourself passively waiting for some external pressure to relieve, you might be waiting forever. If you are in a difficult time, make sure your partnership still possesses dynamism and that over time there is a growth curve. If you can look back on your challenging times and see that your connection has grown through them rather than avoiding them, that’s the ticket!

Now more than ever, individuals realize that empowering employees to work their hardest can positively impact the dynamics that can exist within the workplace. 

Sabrina Lloyd, author of Stand Alone: How to Be an Extraordinary Leader and successful entrepreneur and CEO, shared what it takes to be a great leader who inspires others during a conversation on the YourTango podcast Open Relationships: Transforming Together.

And she says there’s one thing too many bosses do to their employees — and that employees often do to themselves — that sabotages their success nearly every time: Make them feel powerless. 

How to sabotage your success & the success of your employees with one common mistake:

As a leader, Lloyd strives to empower her employees and others she inspires. She ensures they feel as if they can solve problems, suggest changes, or clear obstacles without fearing consequences. Knowing they aren’t helpless offers them an authentic form of power.

In that situation, being able to move up the corporate ladder and succeed doesn’t have to be a pipe dream, but a reality instead.

“Instead of pushing out greatness, you are just so engulfed in yourself,” Lloyd explains about the feeling of powerlessness. “If you wanted to ruin someone … this is what you would do, you’d say, ‘Be a victim.'” 

Whether it’s learning to overcome or simply work with your learning disability, going against the systems in place meant to oppress us, or dealing with mental health issues, we cannot let challenges absolve us of trying our hardest to overcome them instead.

When we follow the narrative of helplessness or disempowerment, we strip away an individual’s sense that things can be different and improve. As a CEO and business leader, Lloyd makes sure that this isn’t something her employees and the people around her aren’t hearing or believing.

“So then, what happens to that person is, why would you try? Why would you even put any effort into anything? You just wouldn’t and then slowly, it starts to take a hit on your spirit, and that’s not good,” Lloyd observes. 

You can choose to empower yourself and others instead of rendering them less capable or influential.

As Lloyd pointed out, it’s better to approach things with a positive mindset instead of stripping away a person’s control and leaving them feeling helpless against adversities that they may face. This doesn’t have to just apply to the workplace, but also from a parenting angle and personal angle as well.

When people continually hear or experience things that make them feel like they have no control, aren’t good enough, or can’t do things, they might start to believe those things themselves. This can make them feel like they’re not able to change their situation and make them give up easily.

As someone in the Black community, who has heard every and any stereotype regarding our capabilities and intelligence, it’s easy to internalize those beliefs and feel powerless against the systems meant to break us down.

Instead of cultivating this mindset, Black people, myself included, choose to create our own pathways for empowerment. We encourage each other every day, reminding each other that the best of who we are is something to be achieved, instead of cowering and running away from.

We acknowledge the disempowering and harmful stereotypes and narratives but refuse to allow these negative perceptions to dictate our futures. Instead, we reclaim our narratives and redefine success on our own terms.

“Why waste time proving over and over how great you are when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends or partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow?” psychologist Carol Dweck questioned in her 2006 book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

“The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.”

It starts from childhood and how parents can encourage their children.

While speaking with Quartz, Carol Dweck and other researchers found that teaching a growth mindset can often be traced back to childhood, and the key to instilling a growth mindset is teaching kids that their brains are like muscles that can be strengthened through hard work and persistence.

Rather than saying, “Not everybody is good at math. Just do your best,” a teacher or parent should say “When you learn how to do a new math problem, it grows your brain.” Or instead of saying “Maybe math is not one of your strengths,” a better approach is adding “yet” to the end of the sentence: “Maybe math is not one of your strengths yet,” Dweck told the publication.

By choosing this approach, children are taught to believe in hope and the feeling of being empowered even when things seem hard and beyond their control. Children can develop a sense of resilience, and a willingness to experience new experiences, no matter the odds. 

Whether you’re a parent, business leader, boss, or just an individual looking to change your mindset so that you can embrace growth in all of its facets, through dedication and reflection, you can choose to shed away the victim mentality.

Embracing this mindset can not only benefit you but inspire others around you to adopt it as well, creating a ripple effect that allows others to rise up against circumstances they deem too hard for them to conquer.

Known for her soulful voice, Efya didn’t hold back as she shared her story with her followers on Twitter now X platform.

In the tweet, Efya said, “It took me a while to realize that some people come into your life to USE YOU…!!! Damn!! They hate u… but they stay cos of what they can get from u.. they talking shit behind your back when u ain’t there n kiss ur ass when u there … yeah.. and they swear they GENG …I know this now… EYE CLEAR…WE MOVE!!!!!! ??”

According to Efya, discovering that some of her friends were driven by ulterior motives rather than genuine friendship hurts her so bad.

Some fans and followers took to social media to show support and empathy for Efya, praising her for her openness and strength in addressing such challenges publicly.

Many shared their own stories of navigating through toxic relationships and offered words of encouragement on the digital platform.

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When you’re a woman back on the dating scene after being in a relationship for a long time, you’re an easy target for players and manipulators.

I remember feeling that same thrill about dating right after my divorce … at least, initially.

I married at 19. When I divorced after 18 years of marriage, I was unprepared for dating. I assumed it would be fun and innocent like dating was in high school.

Boy, was I wrong!

Here’s why some men target women who are fresh from a bad breakup & how to avoid falling for them.

1. You’re lonely and a little naive.

When you are fresh out of a relationship, you feel a profound lack of love. You experience loneliness at a level you’ve never felt before.

A manipulator can use this against you. You believe them when they say they want to spend time with you or love you.

You’ll believe just about anything to keep your loneliness at bay. Since you’re not a user yourself, it’s hard for you to imagine other people behave that way deliberately. It reminds me of how I fell for a user.

Three months after my divorce, I “fell in love.” He seemed to know me so well. It seemed like we’d known each other forever, and I was eager to express my love for him. I won’t lie — I had a lot of fun doing it!

Then, things changed. When my life got complicated I needed emotional support, and he disappeared. I naively kept reaching out to him while thinking he must be going through a tough time too. After all, he told me he loved me, so I couldn’t imagine he would vanish.

When I finally understood it was over, I was devastated.

I thought I was rebuilding my life with someone new, and I was doing well, but the truth is—he was using me.

Unfortunately, my story isn’t unique.

The solution? Be prepared for certain men to target you, specifically. Watch for the signs that he’s jumping in too fast, love-bombing or playing to all your “pain points” to draw you closer. These are not signs of a healthy relationship! 

2. You’re not sure what you want.

The whole world of dating is intoxicating after a bad breakup. You want to experience it all and reclaim (or maybe even claim for the first time) your power.

After ending a long-term relationship, you’re inexperienced, especially if you married the first person you were intimate with. You’re naive about what the modern dating world is really like. You’re entirely out of practice fully expressing your likes and dislikes.

Your lack of knowledge and experience makes you look like an innocent kitten to the lions and bears of the dating world.

A woman I know told me the first guy she got involved with after her divorce said to her: “Wow, you’re like every guy’s fantasy. Like a little innocent kitten just set down in the jungle. I hope the lions or bears don’t eat you alive.”

Another guy she dated came back to her, months after she stopped answering his calls, to apologize and admit he had knowingly taken advantage of her the whole time they’d been together.

And being used isn’t unique to newly divorced women. Men get used, too. Several women I know only went out with men because they liked the expensive meals and gifts the men showered upon them.

But as soon as someone else came along, someone willing to spend more money or was better looking or even better in bed, those women immediately dumped the men they’d been seeing.

The solution? Even if you don’t know what you want long-term, you can establish what you want for the short term.

What would be healthy and desirable for three months? How about for the next year? Write these things out and share with a trusted friend or confidant. Having a plan in place gives you confidence, and users can sense that you are less likely to be taken for a ride.

3. You’ve lost your direction for the future.

Your hopes and dreams for the future change dramatically when you end a long-term relationship — (Well, first, they’re shattered, and then you realize you need to come up with new ones) — this leaves you wandering without clear direction for a while.

When you’re fresh out of a relationship, it’s easy to feel stuck and unsure of your future. So when someone tells you that you’re exactly who they’ve been looking for and how you make their dreams come true, it’s super simple to get sucked into that.

A bad breakup shakes the foundation of your life. For some time, it makes you virtually helpless prey for users and manipulators. Does that mean you’re a fool? No, not at all. You’re just a human being going through a genuinely challenging time.

The solution? Similar to the above. You don’t have to have a 10-year plan to have a plan in place!

4. You’re hungry for approval.

You weren’t fully appreciated, validated, or respected in your marriage. You’re justifiably anxious to have someone praise you for simply being you.

You believe just about anyone who seems to see you and show you the appreciation you’ve been missing out on. You’re drawn to them like a fly to honey, and manipulators use that to trap you under their spell.

The solution? Watch for those love-bombers and flatterers! Remember that an ego boost from somewhere else is only worth short-term fun. It’s not sustainable self-esteem that will help you grow and find your way in life.

Practice affriming yourself with a journal of things you’re grateful for and that you like about yourself. Perhaps join a women’s group where peers will help you sort authentic forms of self-love from short-term boosts that might leave you feeling more drained in the end. 

5. You desperately want to feel happy again.

Happiness is one of the most important emotions to human well-being. It’s from a sense of joy that the energy to create, to work, and to love flows.

When someone makes you feel happy after (or even in the midst of) the profound misery of divorce, it’s easy to believe they’re exactly who you need in your life.

They’re like a drug you can’t get enough of, and you’ll do almost anything to keep them with you — which is exactly what the users and manipulators out there want.

The solution? Be aware of how badly you want to be happy again. Write it out. Become comfortable with it. 

Then reassure yourself that happiness may take time, but it’s worth it. Remind yourself that the best things in life have come when you’ve worked hard to build a strong foundation for them and have been patient while you watched them grow. 

Is the only option not to date at all or end up being used? … Of course not!

Knowing you’re an easy target is the first step to keeping manipulators at bay. Yes, you need to go slow and ease into relationships carefully. You have plenty of time to find love. But if you spend time working on yourself first instead of reaching out to new lovers for approval, you’ll save yourself some hurt and frustration.

The only way to make sure you’re not an easy target and can honestly experience the thrills of a relationship is to make sure you’re truly ready to be out there dating again.

So, wait … at least a little while. Don’t date until you’re past the soul-sucking loneliness of divorce until you’ve gotten to know yourself, until you’ve created new dreams for your future, until you appreciate yourself for being you, and until you’ve found a sense of happiness on your own.

If you don’t wait and instead run head-first toward the thrill of dating (like I did), you risk being used, manipulated, and hurt. The choice is yours.

It’s a choice I wish I’d known about when I got divorced. It might have saved me a whole lot of hurt.

One day, my husband had a fever and I had to tell him that if he didn’t change out of his workout clothes and lie back down, I’d disown him.

The next day, I was fighting an overwhelming malaise and moving between flat surfaces to lie on.

We also traded off who was going to take care of the other, who was well enough to head to the store for more cold meds or cans of soup.

We were both cranky and irritable, and consequently, we snapped at one another.

But we also made little kind gestures for one another. I turned on an action film I know he likes. As I laid in bed, he gently rubbed my back.

All relationships are made up of a series of “micro-moves” — small actions or behaviours that seem inconsequential at the moment but affect how we relate to one another in the long term.

Choosing to do one little positive thing may not seem like a lot at the time, but each one adds up. A small act of kindness can bring you and your partner closer, while a negative interaction can create resentment.

I’m all about the details, and I like the idea of relationships being made up of tiny things.

Since my husband and I were both ill, it meant a lot that we both still tried to keep our relationship heading in the right direction.

Here are 10 little things you can do today to improve your own relationship. You seriously only have to pick one to make a difference!

Here are 10 micro-moves you can make to improve your relationship today:

1. Get them a gift

Whenever I see something that reminds me of my husband, I try to purchase it. It could be something like a bottle of his favorite soda or a pack of wintergreen gum.

These may be small tokens, but they show that I was thinking about him, and I love seeing a smile on his face after I’ve had a long day.

2. Ask them, “How are you doing?”

I try to ask my husband at least every couple of days how he’s doing. I want him to know that I care about him and how he’s doing. Sometimes I forget to share how I am doing emotionally unless I’m explicitly asked.

3. Exercise together

There’s something a little hot about getting all sweaty with your clothes still on. Even if my husband’s lifting weights on one side of the gym and I’m on the treadmill near the paper towels and sanitary wipes, it’s nice when we go together.

It’s nice kissing each other before we split off, and it’s nice when he comes and pats my butt when he’s done lifting and it’s time to go.

4. Ask for help

I have good grip strength. I rarely encounter a jar I can’t open. Doesn’t matter. I often ask my husband to open jars for me. Do you know why? Because he likes helping.

It makes him feel useful, and despite the fact that I’m not a “damsel in distress,” it feels a little nice being cared for by my partner.

5. Say “Thank you”

My husband does the laundry in our house. I do the dishes. We have a fairly equitable home, but just because we each contribute in our own way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve a thank you.

You know what? I hate folding laundry. I think my husband is an angel for folding laundry, so whenever it occurs to me, I thank him for doing it and anything else that he does that I think is awesome.

It’s nice when someone you love thanks you for the little things you do, right?

6. Leave notes

My husband uses a day planner to keep his work life organized. It’s this large leather binder that he opens up every night, reviews what he’s doing the next day, and makes sure to add things to his to-do list that he didn’t get to that day.

When I want to leave him a sweet note, I put it in his day planner some amount of days into the future. It could say something as simple as “I love you so much!” or, if you want to kill two birds with one stone, “Thanks for doing the laundry!”

7. Make out

When my husband and I first started dating, we made out a lot. I loved the feel of his 5 o’clock shadow against my neck and the soft way he’d suck on my tongue. Making out with him was delicious and exciting.

But the longer we’ve been together, the less we’ve prioritized making out when there are … ahem … other fun things we can skip to.

But the art of making out shouldn’t be forgotten. It can at least be thrown in as something to break up the routine.

8. Take turns

My husband loves superhero movies. The over-used primary colours and characters dressed in capes. Evil vs. good. I, on the other hand, really dig rom-coms. I want a dweeby or know-it-all gal who ends up falling in love with the slightly awful, possibly misogynist, but also “deeply sensitive” guy.

We both have our guilty pleasures, so it’s nice that we take turns to show that we respect each other’s interests. Yes, I’ll suffer through an episode of The Flash tonight, but tomorrow, he’s on deck to moan through an episode of The Bachelor.

9. Create rituals/traditions together

Every Friday night, my husband and I order pizza and watch a movie at home. At the end of a long week, I love knowing that I can change into pajamas, fire up Netflix, and shovel pizza into my mouth next to my beloved.

We have other rituals and traditions we’ve created, like how we approach certain holidays. I do love that our Friday night pizza date is every week, so we never lose out on that special time together.

10. Reminisce

I love having a good “Do you remember our first date/kiss/etc.?” session with my husband. It reminds me of when he saw me for the first time and I looked way better than my photos, when I grabbed his collar at the end of our date and laid one on him, when we fell in love… 

Reminiscing gives us the opportunity to relive all of that initial excitement. It allows us to continue to build on and shape our shared history. Sometimes by going back over these old stories, we discovered new things that had been left out previously. Either way, it reminds us that we’re in love and helps keep us in love.

While turmoil in any relationship is part of the course, long-term feelings of neglect or no romance in a relationship are not.

Indeed, partners often wonder why their relationships fail, where those loving feelings have gone, or why they feel under-appreciated by their partners. This generally happens after the “honeymoon period”.

In some cases, couples may not experience a relationship without romance for years. But what about the couples that never seem discontented, whose displays of admiration for one another are apparent even after decades of marriage?

Indeed, they are doing something right. Happily married couples with a long history together, have managed to preserve some of the elements that were present while they were in the early stages of courtship.

Consider the time when you and your current partner were dating before things got serious. Though you had a lot of fun, you were probably putting in a great deal of effort to keep them interested.

What were those things you did differently, and how does the past compare with the present?

Is romance necessary in a relationship?

Romance is one of the most crucial elements of happiness in relationships. The importance of romance in a relationship cannot be trivialized.

Still, many partners do not really know how important is passion in a relationship or the benefits of romance.

Understanding how important affection is in a relationship is a necessary first step for those interested in rekindling love.

But what are the little things you did as a part of your marriage romance to get his attention, to keep him interested, to win him over? We’d be willing to bet those things are no longer happening.

We often do not realize how much work we were putting in in the beginning, nor do we understand why romance is important in marriage, and how a lack of romance can lead to an emotional breakdown and stagnancy.

What is the importance of romance in a relationship?

To understand its importance, first of all, we need to know what romance is. Generally, romance includes one or more of the following:

1. Small gestures: That convey affection, adoration, thoughtfulness, and love
2. Activities or actions of novelty: Actions executed for no other purpose than to enhance feelings of joy and connectedness
3. Class: Activities or events that add a touch of high living.
4. Any actions which bring a couple closer or show thoughtfulness and adoration

Romance needs to be a normal and necessary part of our lives.

And the truth is there are no secrets to romance – you need to know what works for your partner; what makes them happy and apply them as often as you can to sweeten your relationship.

Sustaining a marriage demands work, cooperation, and commitment. A couple is already accustomed to these things but marriage does not have to be all about ‘hard work’.

You are in a marriage because the bottom line is — you love and cherish your partner.

When you decide to use romance to enhance your marriage, you decide to use it as a tool to show that you care, that your marriage and partner are worth the effort.

These small acts collectively will make your relationship stronger, healthier, and make it last longer. These are only a few advantages of romance in a relationship.

How to rekindle or add romance to a relationship

Years after marriage there are couples who still struggle with the idea of how to be romantic in a relationship. Creating romance in a relationship becomes easy when you become mindful of the below:

Bonding

Created through experiences that bring partners closer. This can be brought about through acts of affection, gift-giving, reminiscing, meaningful conversation, laughter, and intimacy.

Fun

Romance should be a joyful experience; and is often reflected through enjoyable activities such as going to the movies, the carnival, attending parties together, or playing games.

Humour

Humour is a major element to most romance. Couples with a good sense of humour will enjoy cheesy adages, funny greeting cards, comics, and laughing at the absurd.

Nostalgia

Being together for a long time, couples are able to share memories by reflecting on the past. Going through old photos or revisiting past hang-out spots can bring back old feelings and thus, enhance bonds.

Intimacy

Sex, romance, and relationships, all go hand in hand, sex in romantic relationships is integral to its health.

Introducing new elements into your sex life, or simply engaging in sexual activities more often, will certainly increase romance. Although romance may lead to intimacy, intimacy and romance can fuel one another.

Adventure

Spontaneity – out-of-the-ordinary activities that promote a sense of adventure, such as hiking in the woods together, getting “lost” on a drive, or doing something taboo- like visiting an adult book store- are great ways to create romance through the adventure.

Respect

Romancing your lover should convey respect and reciprocity.

Appreciation

Romance invites appreciation, likewise, appreciation will create the impetus to initiate romantic activities with your partner.

Passion

It involves strong feelings of enthusiasm, and joy, and powerful or compelling feelings of love and desire.

Romance feeds the elements that comprise a loving relationship. Without it, desire and adoration for one another will almost assuredly fade, rendering the relationship dull and mundane.

Understanding the importance of practising romance in your relationships will add a spark to your love life, prolong feelings of connectedness & result in your ultimate happiness for years to come.

Here are 10 everyday romantic ideas to try:

Now that we have established the importance of affection in a relationship, here are some everyday tips and ideas that can help you become more romantic:

1. Get your spouse a wristwatch. Inscribe it with: “I always have time for you.”
2. Buy a lottery ticket. Give it to your spouse with a little note that says: “I hit the jackpot when I married you!”
3. Write “I love you” on the bathroom mirror with a piece of soap/their lipstick.
4. When out in public, wink/smile at your spouse from across the room.
5. Ladies: Send your hubby a letter sealed with a kiss.
6. Send your spouse a trophy for being the “World’s Best Lover”? Wink, wink.
7. Pick flowers for them from the side of the road.
8. Don’t just go out to a movie on Saturday. Call your spouse from work on Wednesday and ask for a date. Best way to perk up a dull week.
9. Have “your song” playing on the stereo when your spouse returns home from work.
10. Cook together.

From small gestures to grand ones, there is a lot that you can do to rekindle the romance in your relationship. All that matters is your ability to make those efforts.

Finding your true love goes beyond the anniversaries, gifts, and ‘I love yous’, it’s also about the silly, annoying, and even imperfect moments that make your connection special.

It’s those moments when everything seems to fall into place, and you can’t help but smile at the thought of spending your life with that special someone.

When you’ve met the one who is your safe space, your best friend, your partner-in-crime, a shoulder to cry on, someone you know you can count on, any day, anytime, to come through for you, just know you’ve hit the love jackpot.

The dating market is fully saturated, so if out of all the shenanigans going on, you can find someone that you’re truly happy with, and who loves you just as much, you’ve won in that department.

We’ll expatiate on some signs that prove you’ve actually found your true love. Check how many of these resonate with your own experiences:

You’re completely yourself around them

There’s no need to put on a façade or worry about impressing them, you can just be yourself. Your comfort level is so high that you’re not afraid to let your guard down and share your deep thoughts, feelings, and even your silliest moments without hesitation.

You can fart when you’re around them and not feel embarrassed, you wake up with bad breath in the morning and don’t feel the need to “wash up” before they see you.

You’re completely yourself around them. That’s a sure sign that the love you share is true.

You prioritise “We” Over “Me”

One sign of true love is when the word “we” takes over “me.” It’s no longer just about your individual desires or plans, but about creating a shared path forward.

Decisions are made with you both in mind, and you naturally care about each other’s feelings, dreams, and future plans.

Even if you’re not married yet, your partner includes you in their plans, and it all fits perfectly. You’ve talked about getting married and having a family, and you’re sure they see you in their future for the long run

You have a comfortable silence

Conversations are great, but there’s something even better about enjoying each other’s company in silence.

When you’re comfortable sitting together without needing to keep a conversation going, it’s proof of real love. No one needs to say anything as just being in each other’s company is enough.

You bring the best out of each other

True love has a way of bringing out the best versions of ourselves. One sure sign you’ve found your soulmate is that you both inspire one another in positive ways.

Your partner always supports and encourages you to pursue your passions and you also support them to grow, evolve, and become the best version of themselves.

You trust them completely

Trust is what holds a real relationship together. It’s even more important than the love you feel. You can love someone without completely trusting them, but when you trust them with your heart, feelings, emotions, future plans, and past hurt, that speaks volumes.

Trust is like the base of a relationship. If you both believe in each other and are confident that you can count on each other no matter what, then your love is truly real.

Your future plans align

When you’ve found true love, picturing a shared future comes naturally. You talk about your dreams and plans, and it all falls into place as though it’s God’s divine plan.

Your love has grown over time

True love is not fleeting. Instead, it deepens and grows over time. If you still feel more and more in love with your partner, even when you know each other’s flaws and have been together a while, that’s a good sign this love is the real deal.

Love is a complex emotion, and no one has been able to fully understand it. However, there are some signs that assure you that your partner is there for you in the long run. Perfection is not realistic.

Even the best ones still have their toughest battles, and that’s where real love is tested.

In the battles of life that are sure to come, it’s how you both work hand in hand as a team, against the problems of the world, not against yourselves, that counts.

We’re coming up on 10 years since we first met, and our first 2-plus years of “dating” were, also objectively, dog shit.

The details matter, but they also don’t ― the gist is he broke my heart repeatedly and I was in such a bad state that no one in my life could even pretend to support me when I said I was giving him another chance one week before my 30th birthday.

But then something happened that seems controversial to say and even harder for people to believe: he changed.

We both changed. The toxic behavior disappeared and our communication drastically improved. Slowly but surely, we became good together. Great, even.

In the years since our relationship has given friends of mine (mostly false) hope when they’re with less-than-amazing dudes. Beneath wanting to know my “tricks” to get a man to change, what they really want to know is how did I know he would change?

In the eyes of my friends and family, Joe was one giant red flag. I get why they weren’t in favor of me signing up for more potential pain and humiliation. In the age of endless options with a swipe, our predominant dating advice when someone shows even “pink flags” is to cut and run. Know your worth, don’t settle for less, and move on.

This encouragement is intended to protect us from wasting our time, but I think now we have a new problem: folding too fast. If there’s no room for mistakes, forgiveness and growth, how will you ever know what could have been?

Michelle Obama thinks we’ve glamorized what a good relationship looks like so much now that younger couples quit before testing the strength of a potentially lifelong partnership. At the risk of sounding in favor of women wasting their lives fighting for bad relationships, I think she’s right.

Sometimes ― and only sometimes ― maybe we end up throwing the best husband out with the bad boyfriend.

My husband and I met when we were both firmly on the rebound. Joe was six months out of a co-dependent relationship that he’d been in for the past 10(!) years. I was freshly out of a verbally abusive nightmare of a relationship that I’d been holding on to for four years.

 That relationship is an example of when I should have taken the advice to walk away. I’m certainly not advocating for women to ignore abusive or dangerous red flags or behaviors of any kind in the hopes that things will change. In my previous relationship, folding was the only decision ― I just needed to find the courage to make it. And a few days after I finally did, I met Joe.

We both needed something light, fun, and noncommittal ― a Coke Classic rebound. But we fell too hard. Our drunken hookups quickly bled into entire weekends together.

He was a beacon of light ― this bouncy blond man pulling up to my heartbreak apartment in his Mini Cooper blasting Robyn and singing through the open sunroof like an absolute tool. I’m a sarcastic Aquarius who was born swearing. Joe is joy. I’m … often perceived as mean.

All of this added to my embarrassment when he abruptly broke up with me not once, not twice, but three times during our first year of dating. Then he strung me along with endless phone calls and hangouts for months, as I cried and shamelessly begged for him to give us a real shot. He said he needed more time.

He needed to be single. I didn’t care what he needed ― I needed him. We both played our part in the unhealthy dysfunction.

Once I found out he was actually dating someone else and had been baldfaced lying to me, I finally cut off all contact. He lost me, for real. I was walking away. When I called and confronted him, I thought that would be the last time we ever spoke. In hindsight, this phone call was the first step toward our future together.

I wanted to say my piece and never see him again. My being absolutely at the limit of tolerance was the catalyst for Joe to change. But by that point, I didn’t care about his revelations. I felt like a fool and was 1000% done.

Joe started making changes in his life. He immediately broke up with the much younger girl he’d been seeing. And he cracked open.

Since I wouldn’t talk to him, he wrote me long letters about his thoughts and feelings that he had been scared to share and left them in my mailbox.

Desperate to get my attention and plead for another chance, he postered downtown Toronto with hundreds of copies of a painting of a crown I had bought him for Christmas.

Still, I wanted none of it. I thought about calling the police if he wouldn’t leave me alone. I took pictures of the posters for evidence. This might have had something to do with the fact that I was a writer on a network cop show at the time.

Positive this was the end of our story, I re-downloaded Tinder and swiped ad nauseam until I got to a screen that said, “There is no one new around you.” A bit on the nose, frankly.

But Joe didn’t give up. After a few weeks, I agreed to a conversation. He wanted another chance. He owned all of his mistakes, vowed to change, and made the case for us moving forward.

I was tempted ― this was everything I had wanted to hear. But I didn’t know if I could trust him. I didn’t want to look like an idiot again, and I knew no one would be rooting for us this time around.

More than anything, I didn’t want to be hurt again. But I couldn’t help wondering if maybe, just maybe, things could be different this time. If that phone call was our wobbly first step toward our future, my decision to take the jump and forgive him was our critical and decisive step two.

It took a long time for us to learn to walk and then run together. We had to do a lot of work and commit to being honest about what we needed. We didn’t move in together for four years. Now, a decade later, we have matching tattoos of those crowns and I took his last name. Sometimes I stare at him with our baby girl and think just how easily none of this could have existed.

I feel uncomfortable when friends ask, “How did you know he would change?” because it implies I knew anything at all. I was just trying to follow my gut. I always feel a little embarrassed when I tell our love story like there’s an element of, “I let this guy treat me like shit, but now look at my ring!” I didn’t know he wouldn’t humiliate me again.

Or that he would be worth it. I think knowing when to walk or when to fight for a relationship is much harder than we let on. But I also think second chances can change everything ― if we decide to grant them.

When asked for my relationship advice, I offer these three principles:

1. No one knows anything. No one knows if he’ll change, or come back, or cheat on you again, or be the man of your dreams. There is no knowing, only feeling.
2. You’re allowed to change your mind. Even if you said something was a deal breaker, who cares? Don’t let your pride snuff out your growth.
3. We’re all assholes, sometimes. Even you. Don’t you deserve forgiveness? Life expectancy in 2023 is too long for this unrealistic, impossible bar of perfect behavior.

My relationship with my husband used to be terrible, and now it’s great. It’s something that seems quite hard for others to believe. I see their skepticism.

But why are we so skeptical that things can get better, and how is that skepticism actually serving us? When I look around at my friends’ relationships and marriages, I’m starting to see couples overcome things I never would have thought they could.

I think Joe and I just did it a little earlier, in our 20s and early 30s, when people tend to cut and run when things get hard, without a second thought.

What I’m seeing around me now is heartening, not because friends are settling for less than, but because they’re believing in the resilience of their relationships and that, overall, the good outweighs the bad.

After Joe broke up with me the third time, I wallowed at the mall and bought myself a white tank top from Aritzia that in big, black letters said, “THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS.” It was ― we can say it ― very cool pathetic.

My friend Katrina made me promise never to wear it in front of Joe. But of course I did. When we got back together, I wore it to bed with him every night until it completely disintegrated.

That cheap, dumb, worn-out tank top is, I think, a pretty wonderful symbol of our love. Embarrassing, imperfect and kinda stupid.

There are currently a whole bunch of these exact old tank tops for sale online. Maybe for our 10th anniversary of meeting, I’ll buy myself one. You know, give it a second chance.

Surely it’s not new that married men, particularly those in Lagos, are having sustained romantic relationships and open sexual affairs with younger, single women.

However, while it used to feel as though these married men tricked the unmarried women into the relationships, things seem to now be changing.

More unmarried women are apparently becoming attracted to married men, and intentionally seeking them out for seduction.

For context, over the period of over seven days on popular relationship expert, Joro Olumofin’s Instagram blog few months back, I witnessed reports upon reports roll in, personal accounts underlining the commonness of the practice and proving how it is seemingly becoming a ‘goal’ for young, single women to have married partners as opposed to dating someone single just like them.

Why single women date married men

The obvious first reason why this relationship seems to be thriving logically has to be for the financial benefits attached to such romantic affairs.

An Instagram user shares his personal experience on Joro’s Instagram page within the period mentioned above. Being single and unable to get any girls despite several attempts, he had gotten a ring and put it on his wedding finger. Like magic, girls became drawn to him and offered sex as cheaply as imaginable.

…That wedding ring signifies success and stability which these lazy Nigeria girls like, the anonymous user writes. Whether or not he was being 100% sincere is another thing, I concede.

Regardless, the idea, apparently, for many women who intentionally date married men, is that young men of their own age are yet to find their feet and would find it difficult to meet the outlandish demands they make in order to fund their unsustainable, opulent lifestyles.

But guess who has more than enough to sponsor trips abroad, super-expensive weaves and all other aspects of the glamorous life these women seek?

Sure, you guessed right!

So the need to sustain an expensive lifestyle regardless of a low economic standing is one reason why.

Another reason for this could be the need for independence; to be free to enjoy sexual satisfaction and all other pleasures of a relationship without actually being in a relationship.

I know a babe who is dating a married man just for the sex, says Dairo, a photographer in Lagos.

She says she does not want the clinginess that normal boyfriends often come with. She wants to keep partying and living as she deems fit and not shifting and bending to accommodate some guy in her life.

They meet, have sex, hang out a little, fool around, have some great laughs; after which the married man returns home to his family and she to her preferred life of singleness.

I think, like her, many women want both relationships benefits and the independence; a thing which may be difficult with a boyfriend or some other single guy who may likely start to catch feelings after a while of having sex.

The relative detachment which many married men often feel towards side-chicks is very perfect and enables this independence that Dairo speaks of.

Ayo, a fun-lover, believes that there’s also a belief among women that married men, due to experience, know how to treat women better. For some other babes, this is the attraction point.

Having been with a married woman for a while and being a man in his mid-thirties and older would have enabled him to not just be more financially loaded, but also very experienced at treating women with more care and their bodies to more pleasure.

Dating married men is wrong

The reasons for dating married people, no matter how logical they sound to those proffering them, are still not, and never will be enough, to justify the practice of dating someone else’s husband. And of course, it won’t hold water as an excuse for married men who cheat on their wives, too.

Some might say karma will show up at your doorstep later in life, but whether or not it does is a 50-50 thing. In the meantime though, deal with the battle in your conscience.

But when that date is happening in the bedroom at sex o’clock, that’s the last thing you want. Whether he finishes quickly on occasion (after, say, a long week apart) or does so Every. Single. Time, you’re not a bad person for wanting to help him last longer in bed.

To be fair, the average duration of penetrative sex is estimated to be in the range of three to six minutes, says Jessica OReilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. So, if your partner is in that range, they technically have a normal capacity for P-in-the-V sex. Still, if you (or both of you) aren’t walking away satisfied, that’s a problem. Luckily, it’s one that can be addressed.

Since you probably want to take care of this problem, like, now, I won’t hold you up any longer. Here’s exactly what you can do to help your guy last longer in bed, so you can both reach the finish line.

1. Suggest a pregame

Before having sex, make masturbation part of your foreplay. “Tell him you want him to watch you touch yourself, he will love it,” says Emily Morse, PhD, host of the podcast Sex With Emily. Plus, it will help you get a head start and close the orgasm gap so that you’re both on the same page once you’re having sex.

2. Throw on a cock ring

Cock rings go around the base of his penis, usually around the shaft, testicles, or both, OReilly says. They add pressure to the base of his penis, restricting blood flow. That can then delay his orgasm, helping him to last longer.

Not to mention, sex toys are always a good idea.

3. Try the squeeze technique

Have your guy pull out when things start to get intense for him, then squeeze the head of his penis, suggests sex therapist Debra Laino , who has a doctorate in human sexuality.

You don’t have to do it really hard, but just before he feels like he’s going to come, take a pause, and firmly put pressure on the shaft of his penis with your thumb and forefinger. The squeezing can help delay ejaculation, so you two can keep at it longer.

4. Consider using a condom

I know, I know: No one wants to use a condom, especially when you don’t need to worry about STIs or unwanted pregnancy with a monogamous partner.

But actually, in this case, you might: Condoms create an extra layer of separation between his penis and your vagina, so the fleshy sensation of penetration isn’t quite as intense.

This can delay his orgasm just long enough to help you get yours and you can always have him pull out and remove it at the last second before climax if you both so wish.

Speaking of ditching condoms…does the pull-out method work?

5. Switch positions

Most guys know when they’re about to orgasm (dear g-d, I hope so), so have yours switch positions when he feels like he’s getting close, OReilly says.

You might even be able to tell what’s up and take charge: You can usually feel your partner’s testicles tightening and lifting more significantly as he approaches orgasm, she says.

When a man has an orgasm, he has two sets of contractions with each contraction an average of 0.8 seconds apart from the other, OReilly says.

Moving at this pace, or faster, and with a predictable rhythm can cause him to orgasm, so slowing down or changing up the rhythm can potentially delay his release.

You might have to experiment here to see what works best for your guy. (Morse suggests trying moves like girl on top, which will help you control the pace.) Change things up a bit and talk about what he likes to reach a happy medium.

6. Take mini breaks

No one says you have to go hard and fast the whole time, so put little stops and starts into the mix, Laino says. While having sex, have the man pull out and kiss a bit, essentially calming down the excitement, she says. This actually brings a much longer experience, which breeds deeper intimacy.

7. Have him do pelvic-floor exercises

Fun fact: These aren’t just for you! Men can do pelvic-floor work, too, and it can make a big difference in the bedroom. One Swedish study published in 2014 found that men who did a few months of pelvic-floor exercises were able to improve their ability to control premature ejaculation. (To be clear, each of the men in the study suffered from lifelong PE issues.)

Whether or not your guy deals with that, encourage him to do some daily exercises while he’s sitting at his desk at work. (He basically just has to squeeze the muscles between his tailbone and genitals.) It could make a big difference, OReilly says. If nothing else, it can’t hurt.

8. Keep going

Just because he finishes doesn’t mean you have to, points out Rachel Needle, PsyD, a sex therapist and licensed psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida. Laino agrees. Sex doesn’t have to stop at an orgasm, she says.

If the interplay keeps going, it is likely he will get another erection and last a little bit longer the second or third time.

As for you? It’s totally possible to score multiple orgasms in a single sesh now that you’ve gotten him to last longer, might as well make that your next project…

Heartbreak is an unfortunately common part of the human experience, and it sucks.

Studies show that your brain registers the emotional pain of heartbreak in the same way as physical pain, which is why you might feel like your heartbreak is causing actual physical hurt.

While there’s still a lot to discover about how and why we experience love and heartbreak and the effect these have on our bodies, scientific study has provided us with some clues about why heartbreak makes you feel so rubbish.

Did you know that it could truly be happening? In fact, there are many other things that happen to your body when someone breaks your heart. Scroll down to know what truly happens.

• Heart slows down

Did you know that when someone breaks your heart, the pain they feel in their chest is actually your heart slowing down? According to research, your heart can actually slow down when it is broken! Y

our body goes through emotional turmoil so the heart slows and the muscles are weakened.

Some people even have a cardiac arrest from a heartbreak so the moment you feel pain in your chest, a checkup is recommended.

• Stress

This is a very common emotion when someone breaks your heart. The tension levels and inner pressure build up and you can even feel the knots in those stress spots.

When this occurs, you must take care of yourself. The stress can be overwhelming. There is a sense of fear, anxiety and helplessness. Do things that reduce stress. Engage yourself in different activities.

• Delayed period

For women, broken hearts can make you suffer not just mentally but physically too and this includes delays in your periods.

Your emotions oscillate when you are going through heartbreak and your body picks up on these and messes with your biological clock.

When your periods are delayed, it gives you more stress and then the duration is prolonged. So find small ways to destress. Go for a walk or have a warm drink.

• Hair loss

People under stress lose a lot of hair. It is actually very true. This happens because your body is reacting to stressful situations.

The moment you go under stress, especially after a broken heart, you may lose hair, depending on how your body reacts.

So find ways to take care of that stress because not even the most expensive hair fall shampoo or serum will be able to help you.

Having a high sex drive is very common for women which often leads to frustration especially if their partner is the opposite.

It’s easier said than done when it comes to being open about your desires if you feel they aren’t the same as your partner.

But there’s no need to feel guilt or shame about having a different sex drive to the person you’re with, we all have very different libidos which are constantly fluctuating, so it is only natural that a lot of relationships will end up with conflicting sexual desires.

Here are some ways of dealing with mismatched sex drives that are more practical:

• Do not take it personally

A couple rarely has their sexual libido in sync because in most cases women have a higher drive. But the key here is not to take it personally and feel rejected.

Instead, take it in your stride and do what you think may work best for her. Do not underestimate yourself.

• Workout

Sometimes, lethargy and being unfit contribute to sad sex lives. If your partner has a higher sex drive then you can try working out and strengthening your core and muscles so that you do not get tired so soon.

It is not a guaranteed solution, but it does help and it makes you fit too so it is a win-win situation.

• Brainstorm ideas

If your partner has a high sex drive then brainstorm an idea with her to see how can she too feel that satisfaction. She may even be happy masturbating without you.

If she is good with using a sex toy and doing it on her own sometimes, there is satisfaction and you too do not feel that burden or stress. If you want to be involved, join her!

• Massages

Many couples even with high sex drives, take lesser time to climax when there is body contact like massages. Try massage where you rub each other with your body instead of hands using oil.

• Threesomes

Some couples who do not have set rules and have different boundaries when it comes to sexual pleasure involve a third and fourth person.

Threesomes and foursomes are not unique or unknown to us. As long as there is a clear understanding, you both can discuss the involvement of someone and see whether this option is on the table or not. Do remember that trust is very important here.

I felt guilty for these thoughts, but I knew that my intentions were never ill-meant or disrespectful to those who experienced infidelity.

I recognise that cheating is one of the worst things that can happen in a romantic partnership; it’s an unforgivable action, one so overt and irreversible.

And that’s why I wanted it to happen to me.

Because I knew that if my ex cheated on me, I would finally have the courage to leave him.

I thought it would make saying good-bye easier.

Breaking up with someone can be frightening, especially when you live in fear of an abusive partner.

Our relationship consisted of explosive fights, constant turmoil and control issues that left me feeling stuck, angry and helpless.

He played me as the bad guy in the relationship, often treating me as if I wasn’t even human.

The harsh words that were thrown my way made me feel like I was dating a vicious bully, a person who secretly hated and only expected the worst from me.

There wasn’t a week that went by where I wasn’t accused of cheating, had my cell phone searched and interrogated and questioned about everything I did.

There came a point where I was scared to sleep in, or turn my phone off at night, as I knew he’d find it suspicious if I didn’t reply to texts immediately. Yelling seemed to be a favourite pastime of his, alongside throwing my phone.

I always said I would never be with someone like this, and there I was, making excuses and blaming myself for his actions every day.h

Regardless of my loyalty and fidelity throughout our relationship, he always made me believe that I was guilty of something.

I never cheated, and yet nothing would convince him otherwise.

For once, I wanted him to recognise that I was a great girlfriend. I begged him for kindness, to just let us have one good day.

But the good days became rarer and rarer, and by the end of our time together, the fights and interrogations would become the norm.

I stopped talking to friends of the opposite sex. He had all my passwords and there was no privacy anywhere.

And, regardless of the control he had over me, there was still no trust.

There comes a time where being accused of cheating takes a toll on you.

I was tired of walking on eggshells and wanted a way out.

I wanted him to cheat so he could admit to being wrong and I could stop being the bad guy. I craved the satisfaction of proving him wrong and watching him become a hypocrite.

I wanted him to cheat, so I could finally be the one who had the upper hand.

I fantasized about this. Call me vengeful, spiteful, or crazy, but I loved the idea of catching him red-handed.

While this would have hurt me, I felt that nothing would ever be enough to motivate me to leave. I loved him too much, and as toxic as our relationship was, I couldn’t seem to let go of it. He wasn’t always like this, and mixed with the bad times were some amazing memories.

It was a love hate relationship, with the intensity of a rollercoaster that kept me hooked. I spent a lot of time thinking his actions were my fault.

I thought that cheating would serve as that last straw, forcing me to end our relationship. Why his behaviour alone wasn’t already enough to leave is something that still shocks me.

It’s so easy to ignore red flags when you believe there’s a real connection.

I liked the idea of someone being protective of me, but we need balance rather than one extreme.

Possessiveness and control is glamorized so that when you experience it, you question if you’re overreacting.

We often see certain instances of control normalized in films, and while it never looks right we tend to see fans swoon over the “bad boy.”

Their problematic and downright concerning behaviours are easily excused, which in turn sends off a confusing message. I now realize that I was never overreacting, and like many individuals should challenge and question it.

Of course, you must be wondering if my prayers ever worked. Did he ever cheat? And, to my knowledge, he never did.

But, after a few mock breakups, we eventually came to a halt. I saw a therapist who opened my eyes to what I was experiencing and helped me understand that this is not normal.

You shouldn’t have to see a therapist to know if your relationship is healthy. But, sometimes, it gets to that point, and you need an outsider with no bias to help bring you back to reality and help you realize that you deserve so much more.

Don’t wait to get out

If you can relate to this, don’t pray for your partner to cheat; find a way to leave and end things for good. Even the slightest bit of disrespect should never be tolerated.

You should be treated with kindness every day, a voice should never be raised to make you feel small, and words never used to make you cry.

I know you may have never connected with someone so well, that your partner isn’t always mean to you, but this doesn’t excuse emotionally abusive behaviour; nothing ever does.

Going through a relationship like this can be extremely isolating, but is far more common than we realize.

Statistics show that 48.4% of women and 48.8% of men have endured some form of psychological aggression in a relationship.

It’s easy to stay, and there will always be good times mixed in with the unpleasant ones. It’s a cycle that will only continue to leave you further drained and mentally taxed.

That’s what keeps you hanging on until you reach a breaking point and gain the courage to leave.

Your relationship shouldn’t make you cry every day, send you to a therapist’s office, and bring you immense stress and anxiety.

The long term effects can be detrimental, as 7 out 10 women develop PTSD and depression as a result of emotional abuse. It’s not something to take lightly, and words really do cause harm.

So, don’t ever call yourself dramatic, or sensitive for something that can have real consequences on your mental health.

As cliche as this sounds, love should make you happy.

This is not to say that relationships don’t have issues, but there are ways to work through them in a healthy manner that doesn’t induce fear.

Know that if you’re already miserable, it will only get worse. This person isn’t your soulmate; they are your lesson.

This means taking responsibility for your actions and apologizing for any wrongdoing. Communicate openly with your partner and make sure to be an effective listener.

When moving past the fight, give your partner positive attention and show that you’re willing to make changes for the benefit of your relationship.

Here are a few ways you can make up with your partner after a fight:

• Give each other a massage

Fighting takes a toll on your muscles, your shoulders tense, your neck strains, your stomach knots.

Help each other relieve those stress-related aches and pains with a makeup massage that could lead to more.

• Stroke his ego

Did you tick off his most unpleasant traits as if you’d written them down during your disagreement? If so, consider taking turns talking over each other’s best qualities.

Not only will it make you both feel on top of the world, but it will also remind you why you love each other in the first place.

• Remove your clothes

Show each other just how much you care. Now’s the time to have the exact kind of dirty sex he’s been begging you for, or for him to cater to one of those fantasies you’ve been hinting at forever.

• Transfer your need to “win” to a board game

In every couple, there’s one person who always needs to be right. If that’s you, challenge him to a board game, and try to “win” at something other than a fight.

If that’s him, suggest a game of strip poker or truth or dare. Because in that case, no one really loses.

She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit, and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty.

Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly. Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship.

Before long — once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together — I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her, mind you; I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so much more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace — or even see — what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me.

The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior.

Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship, which still made me choose her even less.

Thus, our nasty death spiral played itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her.

That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was enough evidence of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her. By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again. It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in a relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question: “Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.” If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go.

Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day. You do, too.

Choose wisely.

What makes sex different from every other relationship activity is that it is the only thing you can’t do with anyone else but your partner. In an ideal situation, you can not get down with other women but yours.

While this is not what obtains in reality, the fact remains sex between couples in relationships and marriages is meant to be amazing. And as a man, you owe your partner the duty to do it right at all times.

If you are in a relationship and you want to know whether or not you are doing good by your partner, here are the signs you’ll see.

1. Emotional connection

This is one sure sign.

Whatever, the point remains that when your woman enjoys sex with you, many times the emotional bond is strong and she is all up in her feelings with you and for you.

This is why many times women would prefer to shy away from casual sex because of the emotional ties that are easily created for them from such affairs.

In the context of a relationship, if your babe is loving on you hard, without issues and whatnot, chances are that your sex life is great.

2. She has no complaints

This is not conclusive evidence. But if after asking her over and over again she says she likes how you do it, then you just have to believe her when she says so.

3. She’s extra protective of you

When people love each other, they get a little jealous and protective of what is theirs.

When you are a great partner and the sex is also fantastic and breathtaking, your woman has an extra reason to protect and shield you from other ladies coming too close.

It really won’t matter that your relationship has been on for a long time. If you are irresistible enough, it also won’t matter that they have seen so many times and in different situations, circumstances and postures.

If you do the things listed below, the force of attraction between you and the partner will remain just as strong as it was when you first met [or as close to that as possible!]

1. Don’t be clingy

To be irresistible, start with being independent. No one likes a clinger. Just because there’s a guy in your life doesn’t mean your life is now completely over. Guys love women who don’t change their entire world for them.

Men also have things they want to do, maybe watch a hockey game or hang out with their friends alone. Sure, if he invites you, go. But showing him that you go out without him and do things on your own is a huge turn on.

2. Look sexier

Men are visual beings. So get to know the several ways to start looking sexier but do it slowly and steadily so the changes look subtle and not forced.

Get yourself a new hairstyle, add hot and colourful pieces of clothing to your wardrobe; eye liners are said to work wonders with accentuating the darkness of your eyes making you look really hot. Wear a mild shade of lipstick, something which looks subtle and accentuates your lips.

Remember that you don’t have to use heavy makeup if you don’t want to. When you look sexy outside you feel sexy inside and you radiate that confidence.

3. Make him feel desired

That’s right. Your partner wants to feel desired, too! To make yourself irresistible, one of the things to do is to make your man feel wanted. Initiate sex, send him cute sexy messages, say nice things about his body.

If he feels wanted and desired with you, he’ll likely keep coming to you. That is a pull he won’t be able to resist.

4. Love yourself

Love who you are, love your body. Remove all the negative thoughts in your mind regarding your self-image.

One of the worst things you can do is to regularly worry and sly force your partner’s reassurances about your body despite your partner’s relentless reminder that he finds you so hot and so sexy.

Love yourself and your body enough to believe that he wants you just the way you are. When you start loving yourself, the positive vibrations it creates will automatically cause deep-seated happiness and as a result, an attraction that your partner will always find irresistible.

5. Be free with him

Do not let things get in the way of enjoying bonding time together with your partner. When you are with your man, you may want to ditch all the good girl behavior your mum taught you while growing up. Be playful, be wild, talk dirty, be ‘slutty’, be everything with him.

Don’t be the same formal woman you are when you are at work. Unleash the part of you that you’re unwilling to show other people of the world. Let out the freak in you [if he’s into freaky stuff, too].

Picture this – someone steps outside his marriage or relationship to find what he should be getting from no one but his partner, shouldn’t the fault be his in totality?

The cheater bears the responsibility for cheating

Generally, cheaters get the blame for their philandering because it’d be illogical for the person aggrieved to also have to bear the responsibility for someone else’s actions and indiscretions.

Some cheaters are just insensitive and inconsiderate in their decision to step out of the commitment they have with their significant other.

Generally, cheaters should get the blame for their philandering.

Cheating is not an event, we all know. It’s a series of actions and some people do not bother to consider the impact that their wrong choices would have on their partner and relationship.

And for some of these people, it does not really matter what a partner does or what they don’t. It does not matter that a partner is dedicated to making things work, it does not matter that these partners try their best to make the relationship peaceful, healthy and successful.

They don’t care about stuff like that; they just go all out and do as they please, without a care in the world for the consequences of their actions.

So on the face of it and in this context, it does not make sense to blame anyone but those who stepped out of their commitment zone but then, that’s only on the face of it…Sometimes, things are not as black and white as we like to view them.

Joint responsibility for cheating

When you dig a little deeper into cheating scenarios and what drove some happy men and women into cheating it becomes difficult to place all the blame solely at these people’s feet.

Cheating does not always happen in a vacuum. So in some cases, people who cheated would need to wake up and smell the coffee – all the blame is not always for the cheater.

People like to generalise every situation under the theoretical rule that the cheater is always at fault.

However, in reality, it is not always as cut and dried as that and sometimes, there are gray areas. While the cheater surely gets the blame, the person cheated on could also be at fault in some way.

A little introspection might show the cheated that they consciously or unconsciously left gaps in the relationship – gaps of communication, affection and other bonding activities – and it is through these unguarded spaces that their partners fell into the heavy waves of temptation that would later overwhelm them and become their undoing.

We already listed things that make people cheat here, and while this is not to validate cheating, it only just shows that everyone in a relationship may need to take a little more responsibility for it.

To ensure that they do their best to stay true to their partners, and also to ensure that they make it reasonably easy for their partner to do same.

You’re in it together, afterall.

Your actions and inactions could make it a little easier or very difficult for your partner to fall into a temptation he or she has been struggling with outside their commitment zone.

The end goal of many relationships is often marriage, settling down, or cohabitation, depending on what suits both partners best.

No matter how the relationship started – with or without a clear indication of this intention – a time will come in the relationship when a deeper level of commitment will be required; when one or both partners will demand something more from the relationship and if one partner feels he or she is not ready, the relationship faces the possibility of breaking apart.

In a previous article, it was stated that men are more likely to shy away from commitment, with [good] reasons of course and some of those reasons were listed in that article.

Women are just as scared of commitment as men.

Though men are more likely to say no to serious relationship commitments, experience has shown that women are not exempted from the fear of commitment; and in the situations where this happens, here are some of the reasons why women run from that level of seriousness:

1. Unresolved issues

Sometimes, women are comfortable with the level of their relationship and want nothing more because they are at a phase of building themselves, moving on from unhealed pains from the past, and generally coming to terms with stuff in their lives.

Adding the extra commitment to a relationship might be too much to handle at that time, and it is common to hear such women say stuff like I’m not ready.Sometimes ex issues make it difficult for women to agree to committed relationships.

2. Uncertainties

When a man proposes moving to the next phase of a relationship and the girl refuses, the reason could be because she still has reservations, fears, worries, uncertainties about the guy.

Sometimes it’s about the man, not the woman.

3. Hoping for someone better

Some other women would refuse to commit to their partner because they are holding out for someone better – in loving, finances, etc – to come along.

Sometimes, women say no to commitment because they want better; they hope for more.

4. Exes

Being hung over an ex is what prevents certain other women from pledging more commitment to their present relationship.

Some babes use a certain boyfriend as a standard for all others and no matter how long it takes, or how many relationships they enter, they still remain tied to that former ex and keeps hoping that he comes back.

Some women belong in this category and if there is any faint hope of that boyfriend coming back, they’ll keep everything on hold – including their present relationship with you – and wait for him.

When some women refuse to be committed, it’s because they have not seen enough to warrant that level of involvement.

5. She’s playing

Best believe that there are ladies who refuse to commit because they’ve been in the relationship all along to only catch cruise, have fun, maybe spend your money, enjoy the sex and commit to absolutely nothing.

According to the presenter, the situation was so bad that he almost gave up on his career and relationship but didn’t state what the problems were.

The renowned broadcaster revealed this when he took his turn on the M’ashyase3 show with Adom TV’s Afia Amankwa Tamakloe.

Reacting to claims of breaking many women’s hearts, he bemoaned: “I have also been disappointed and some women have hurt me too so I have equally suffered.”

He shockingly stated he almost gave up on his marriage with his wife, Leticia with whom he tied the knot on September 29, 2019, as history almost repeated itself at a time in their relationship.

However, Bra Jerry, as he is affectionately called, expressed appreciation to God for helping him to endure all the troubles that hit him in the face for him to settle with, now, Mrs Mensah.

He said calling off their marriage would have been one of his greatest regrets, adding his wife has been a blessing to him ever since they got involved with each other.

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“My wife is God sent and I always thank God for her life because it has been one goodness after the other these past years,” he revealed.

(1) Take her out: Ask her about her favourite dinners, and then take her to any of the restaurants that serve such meals (her favourite meals). When the time is right, you’ll be able to ask her out on a real date after knowing that she enjoys spending time with you. While you have succeeded in taking her out on a date, be able to express yourself in a way that will make her feel comfortable around you.

ALSO READ: 7 deadly relationship sins

(2). Nothing shows how much you like a woman more than the things you do on purpose. Get her small gifts, shower her with care, get out with her friends, and spend time with her. Participate in activities that she enjoys. She will start enjoying your company and will always want to have you around, making her gradually fall in love with you.

(3) Being thoughtful. It implies that you actually care about her. To begin with, concentrate on making her feel important. If you do everything correctly, she may hardly reject you, because she has grown fond of you in the recent past. Do not give up hope while showing her care and love. She might grow fond of you in no time. The act of being close to someone creates feelings, and it is these feelings that can make her fall in love with you.

ALSO READ: Click here for more lifestyle stories

You will definitely make her fall in love with you if you show her care and love, but also kindly note that if your attitude isn’t friendly and appealing, you might not be able to win a woman’s heart. It’ll hurt your chances of doing so, because most women look at a man’s attitude at some time before saying ‘yes’ to him or accepting to go into a relationship with him. As a result, your attitude plays a strong role.

Yes, they all belong to the elite club of couples, filed neatly under #couplegoals. And it’s not just famous couples that aspire to these great heights of social standing.

This trend has filtered down to us norms through social media and careful hashtag placements. But what might seem like harmless fun, can actually allude to a much more toxic relationship narrative.

You may be familiar with the phrase, referring to the picture perfect, seemingly flawless relationships characterised by Bali photoshoots, expensive gift exchanges and public declarations of perfect harmony.

From painstakingly curated engagement announcements to professionally captured candids of unadulterated joy, the world of #couplegoals knows no limits when it comes to showing the world who’s madly in love (and who isn’t).

Where did couple goals come from?

The phrase first took hold at the latter end of the noughties, with the term taking rise as Instagram, Pinterest and Tumblr became a permanent fixture in our online personas.

Search “#couplegoals” online and you will find an array of idealistic relationships strewn across social media and pinned to various teen crush Pinterest boards.

Perhaps more alarmingly though, you will also discover a number of dating sites listing anything from “The Top 10 Couple Goals You ACTUALLY Want” (I’ll pass thanks!) to “20 Relationship Goals That Will Make Your Love Stronger” (I’ll take a stronger drink, if you’ve got one?!) – as if our deeply complex and personal relationships can be reduced to a tick box exercise!

So, is this trend actually just another innocent internet obsession, or is it harming our view of what makes a healthy relationship?

And when put in practice, what does the digitisation of our relationships for a superficial hashtag mean for the evolution of modern love?

Jo Coker, psychologist and relationship expert, who has recently been sharing her expertise on Channel 4’s Married At First Sight, is concerned with the role social media has played in endorsing this somewhat unhealthy hashtag and the expectations that come with it.

​“Social media and influencers have a lot to answer for! Many pedal a totally unreal life of perfection which influences the public. As a result many couples have totally unrealistic expectations of a relationship,” she explains.

“The standards become impossible if goals are set at an unrealistic level. In turn this becomes very stressful and damaging to the relationship as the goals then become more impossible to meet.”

Rather, Jo argues that we need to take our focus off what we see online, and really engage with our IRL situationships.​ “Relationships are developmental and go through phases.

They habituate into patterns shaped by life events and, sometimes, they can even be a bit boring!” Of course, this is the exact antithesis to the sort of fairy tales we grew up aspiring to, but haven’t we all matured past that need for perceived perfection?

If this year has taught us anything, it’s to appreciate the quieter moments and truly listen to one another.

Activist and body positivity campaigner, Megan Crabbe better known by her Instagram handle @bodyposipanda, recently attracted over 92,000 likes for her ​Instagram post​ that tackled this very myth.

Discussing these “impossible standards that don’t reflect real life”, Megan spoke candidly about her experiences online and how she wants to use her platform for transparency on this topic, rather than continue to perpetuate any potentially harmful narratives. ​

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“I never want to be the reason that someone following me feels like they’re getting it wrong, simply because they’re comparing themselves to something that doesn’t represent reality, whether that’s a post about bodies, life or relationships,” she tells me. I

would much rather be called “couple goals” for acknowledging the challenging, imperfect parts of my relationship than for presenting an image of a relationship that doesn’t exist.”

Healthy goals

Goals, when approached from a realistic perspective, ​can​ actually be beneficial to our relationships and personal growth, Jo explains.

“Goals are aspirational but there needs to be an understanding that the difficulties of life get in the way, or may completely derail and change us.

Goals need to give and take from both partners to account for life events and mutual respect. Flexibility is key!” she says.

This notion of the “perfect relationship” not only affects those that are already coupled up, but it can have a damaging effect on single people too – and make them feel like they are already failing by virtue of not having a “significant other”.

As we navigate our way through a time where many of us feel isolated, even when surrounded by friends, family or colleagues, being single can be tough – especially when you are constantly met with other couples’ highlight reels.

Cate McKenzie, a ​couples counsellor and psychosexual therapist​, explores this further. “Single people can assume that relationships may be easier to get into or simpler to be in than they are, and don’t understand that there are major gifts in being single.

So often they have not been given the idea or the model that being single is also potentially a beautiful and self-sustaining place where you can focus on your goals, visions and needs,” she says.

Indeed, this hashtag does a lot to make us question our own worth as individuals and creates harmful stigmas that we internalise. Even when we are coupled up or do feel the love of another, these can muddy our judgement.

This is something that Emily, 25, can relate to, as the #couplegoals mantra stripped her of her autonomy. ​

“Getting called ‘couple goals, both online and IRL, repeatedly pretty much led me to stay in a dead, unhappy relationship for years longer than I should have.

I became so obsessed with how we were viewed from the outside, how people thought we were so good, cute, and happy together, that I was absolutely mortified of breaking it off for fear of dissolving the facade and disappointing everyone.”

Psychologically, it can require a lot of inward reflection to step away from these toxic perceptions, and a process of re-establishing your priorities before entering into a relationship that is right for you.

Thankfully, Emily was able to do this, and the difference in her current reality is far greater than any online persona she may have curated.

​“It’s been an interesting ride unlearning a lot of those societal standards while I try to navigate a newer, much healthier relationship,” she says.

“We are much more communicative on a level I’ve never really felt before, which has helped both of us in deciding how we want to portray our relationship to both our closer circles and to the world.

As soon as I discovered that people really care about me as a singular person through leaving my last relationship rather than some half-real ideal I felt I was upholding, a lot of weight came off my shoulders.”

We are all guilty of mindless scrolling and the hypnotic escapism this can provide, but it can become dangerous when we don’t truly engage with the content we are facing.

Online, we are predominantly presented with idealised images of #couplegoals that fall under a heteronormative guise, and very rarely do we associate these aspirations with anyone outside of the white, cis-gendered, able-bodied “norm” that we have come to recognise from popular culture.

Sex educator, Portia Brown agrees, saying, ​“A lot of us who fall outside of this cis-heteronormative model find ourselves still trying to achieve the elusive couples goals in our partnerships.

This can be harmful because we may be forcing ourselves or our partners into heteronormative roles when that’s not at all who we truly are.”

“This can cause a whole host of issues! This can manifest in expecting your partner, or yourself, to perform gender in a certain way, or even feeling like your relationship is less legitimate because of your sexuality or gender expression.

In effect we need to normalise that all relationships are unique, and actually, there is no “normal”. If we continue to aspire to the #couplegoals associated with the Chrissy and Johns of the world, we are going to miss out on the authentic, personal connections we could be making in our own realities.

With so many of us attaching our metrics of success and happiness to what we find online, isn’t it time we stopped playing into these unrealistic standards and start listening to what we really require on a base level?

Instead of trying to live up to the list of priorities we associate with #couplegoals and the disappointments these are bound to bring, we should set realistic goals that have an aim to bring us

My mum told me about her encounter with my dad, she didn’t know my dad was married. It was when she got pregnant and asked him to marry her that my dad confessed that he was married. My aunt has a different version of the story. According to her, my mother knew right from the start that my dad was married. She fell for my dad because he was very kind to her.

I believe my aunt’s side of the story because she has nothing to lose. My mum thinks she has to whitewash her past to me so I don’t judge her. It doesn’t matter now. I’m the child that came out of that affair. I can only be grateful to them both for giving me the opportunity to be in this world.

My mum went on to marry another man. After a child and four years together, they got divorced. She got married again because she loved to be married, maybe to prove a point that someone loves her. That marriage lasted for only three years and resulted in a baby girl with the man. Three girls, no husband. She retired from marriage and instead concentrated on taking care of us.

My mum’s senior sister has four kids. Two of the kids have the same father. The next two have different fathers. My maternal grandmother had seven children with four different men. She died without a husband.

It’s a trend in the family. People say it’s a curse that exists in the family. My mum had many pastors lay their hands on her to break that curse. She fasted and slept in many churches before she got married to her last husband and that too didn’t work out.

I was in Senior High School when I got pregnant—a teacher got me pregnant. To protect her job and dignity, I never mentioned his name to anyone. He promised me heaven on earth if I kept mute on his name. He said: “After everything, I would sponsor you through school until you become of age so I marry you.” I believed him. When I left the school to stay home and deliver, he sought transfer and left the school.

I went back to school after delivery, completed Senior High School and got admission to teacher training school. Second-year in teacher training school, I got pregnant again. A boyfriend I found in the school got me pregnant. He took responsibility for it but did nothing that showed he was the father. Again, I came home, delivered, and went back to school.

Gossips started swirling about the curses that existed in my family. Three generations repeating the same mistakes couldn’t be a coincidence, right? The curse might be true. I came to believe it but did nothing about it. If it was a curse, then nobody can blame me for whatever was happening in my life. MUm was very helpful. She was happy about the fact that I always went back to continue my education while she took care of my kids.

After training college, I told myself: “The next one will be my last stop. If it works fine, if it doesn’t, that would be the end of me and men.” My mUm told me: “It becomes difficult when entering into a new relationship with your past mistakes trailing you. The men don’t take you serious while you give youR all thinking you’ve found the one. Soon they leave you after another pregnancy.”

“…Past mistakes trailing you…” She was talking about the kids from my past relationships but my kids were not a mistake. If they were, they were my own mistakes and I was proud of them. But that advice helped me a lot. Anytime a man shows interest in me, I declare my asset: “I have two kids, a boy and a girl. They’re everything there’s to me. If you truly want me, you’ll have to want them too.”

Many men left after hearing that I had kids. Others stayed for a while, tested the waters and soon left when they realiSed how hot the water was. C’est la vie…so no problem.

Then I met James, the man who promised to bring me a piece of the stars if I wanted it. He loved me and everything he did showed that he had mad love for me. He didn’t know about my kids so it was normal. I told myself: “Wait till you see the two trails of my past relationships.” So one night when he was aggressively proclaiming his love for me, I interrupted him: “James, you don’t need to tell me anything more to show your love. I know you love me but can you love my kids too?” He looked shocked when I told him that. He asked, “Kids? You have kids? As in you’ve given birth to children already?”

I smiled and said:  “Yes, I have kids already. Two of them and they’re my everything. Can you love them too?” “Where’s their father?” He asked. I answered,  “They have different fathers because I had them at two different points of my life. The fathers left my life and it’s been only me and them through it all. I had them through my mistake but they’re not a mistake”

I didn’t hear again from James for close to one week. He wasn’t calling or texting. The last text between us was from me. He read it and didn’t respond. I thought to myself: “He couldn’t handle the truth. Maybe he’s not the one.” I really liked him and wanted him to be the one but I couldn’t force him to be there for me. One morning he sent me a text. “How are you? When are you introducing me to the kids?” I said: “They are always with me. When you come home, you’ll find them.”

He came home the next day with gifts for the kids. They were very happy. They kept screaming and hovering around him asking him when he’ll come around again with gifts for them. I asked him: “I didn’t hear from you for over a week. What happened?” He answered: “I needed time to think about the whole thing and assess how much I really wanted this.”

“An yeah, I’ve thought about things. It’s good you told me when you told me. They are lovely kids. I don’t think they can impede or change anything. What I feel for you is still intact. Yeah, I got scared but having enough time to think about it makes it not scary at all.”

So we started dating. Both of us didn’t have time to waste. I was beyond the recklessness of new love and he was determined to make me his wife in no time. My mum didn’t have any issues with him. She treated the whole affair as though it didn’t matter. Maybe she was counting on the days she’ll wake up and hear: “He left me.” She was still believing in the family curse. Jame’s parents gave us the biggest trouble. He is their only child and expected him to marry someone he could have a fresh beginning with not someone who started the journey when she was 17 and in Senior High School. The mother didn’t want to see my face in their house and the father always told him to be careful about women who have kids with other men.

Two years after dating, his parents still said no to me. One morning I told him; “Your parents are right. They love you enough not to watch you take a step that will ruin your future. Let’s listen to them. Find someone else. Marry her and make them happy. No, I won’t hold it against you. You did your best.” He answered: “No, we won’t let go just like that. They don’t know you too well that’s why they’re judging you through a warped lens. Let’s give it another year. I will change things.” I asked: “What are you going to do differently?”

Not too long after this conversation, he called me one day to tell me his parents want to see me. I asked: “What do they have under their sleeve? I hope they’re not waiting to throw acid on me.” He laughed and said: “They’re loosening their stands now. We’ll be fine.” That day in his house with his father sitting face to face with me and his mum sitting next to me, I was so uncomfortable I wanted to leave immediately, but his father was calm in speech when he apologised for not meeting me long ago. He said: “My son really loves you and wants to make a home with you. We have no option than to give you our blessings.” His mother didn’t say a word.

I asked James: “What changed? What did you do differently?”

He said: “I sent a delegation of family members to talk to them. Our pastor too went to see him with a church delegation. But you know one secrete thing? My father’s father didn’t take care of him. It was his step-father who took him to school and took care of him till he completed university and started his own work. His mother got married to his step-dad when he was only six years and both parents stayed married until his stepdad died. Many people didn’t even realise that he was a step-son so why would he not allow me to have step kids of my own.

Wow. Stories.

Every family has their own. Until it’s told, you’ll never know the journey they’ve traveled to become who they are. We got married in 2011 and after nine years of being happily married, I now understand why we had to go through all the troubles and waiting periods before getting married. Good things take time but when they finally happen, you realise the juice was worth the squeeze.

We have two kids of our own and all four kids had been raised in an environment of love and care. Our kids don’t know my kids have different fathers. They think of themselves as siblings of the same father. Before we had our own kids, it was James who took them to school, brought them back and helped them with their homework. He’ll take them out on weekends and they’ll come back home with lots of fun stuff in their hands. For once, I saw deep carved smiles on the faces of the kids. As though they’ve found something of theirs that got missing long ago. The father figure they lost was replaced and their heart was glad.

James’ parents have learned to love me as one of their own. Until his mum died recently, she spoke to me every day and I went to see them almost every weekend. She said: “You’re like the second child I never had.” I told her: “Thanks for giving me the best man I could ever find on this earth. May God keep her soul wherever she is. My mum—she’s always worried. I’ve been married for over nine years but somehow she still believes anything can happen to destroy the happiness they’ve found. I told her: “There’s no curse. We met too many wrong people. We only had to find that right person to right all the wrongs.”

James—my dear James, may God bless the winds that blew him to my path. It sounds cliche to say he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He’s the best thing and more. He’s love and he’s care. He’s all the good things that one needs to break an old age family curse.

—Anita, Ghana

Boredom

Women are emotional by nature and often walk away from men who don’t give them enough attention.

It’s important to understand that the interests and needs of a loved one are essential components of a harmonious and non-boring relationship.

Boredom causes a feeling of fatigue and dissatisfaction with a relationship in general.

To avoid this, always find something that none of you have ever tried. Try something new and exciting. It can be anything: board games, travel, joint development, playing together any sport. These will enhance your relationship by adding bright colours.

Appearance

Even if a man is wonderful and considerate, a woman can leave him if she is no longer attracted to him. Not only men find the first point of attraction by sight. Women also want to see themselves next to a man who takes care of himself. People tend to care about themselves before finding a partner more than afterward. Once they find that their companion and the relationship becomes stable and lasting, their motivation to be better and better disintegrates.

It is necessary to remember that your task is to continue to take care of yourself and look attractive to your beloved. The most crucial part of your appearance is health and how you look after your body. It’s the tone, the vital body, fresh breath, and body odour. Proper nutrition and sports help you keep yourself in shape. You don’t need to look like an athlete but someone who cares about their health and stamina.

Lack of passion in a relationship

Sex plays a significant role in relationships. Therefore, it is essential to have a rich and diverse sex life with your partner. Relationships become monotonous if you do the same things all the time, having sex in the same places, in the same poses. The latter makes the spark of passion fade.

Women dream that the man opens their sexuality and takes them away into a world of pleasure.

A sexually self-aware woman knows she wants in bed. She might move away to find what she lacks in intimate and emotional terms. But most women who are in love will do their best to find pleasure with the beloved man. Be attentive. Help each other.

Give her what she wants, for as long as she wants it. You’d love the same, wouldn’t you?

Look for new places for intimate meetings, create a romantic atmosphere, try something new, something that will help diversify your sex life. Keep flirting with her. It helps the relationship to remain fresh and playful. Spontaneous manifestations of tenderness fuel your relationship.

When the woman doesn’t feel desirable

When a man ceases to admire his woman, doesn’t pay her compliments or doesn’t pay enough attention, the woman might fade away. Without care and attention, a woman feels alone. A woman who doesn’t get enough emotional satisfaction in a relationship might start looking elsewhere.

Women need to feel loved. They need to feel unique and necessary in a man’s life. “You’re special to me” – that’s what every woman wants to hear. Simple words: “I thought about you all day”, “you inspire me”, “you drive me crazy”, “you are the most important person in my life”. These inspire any woman. Write or call her without any reason. Be interested in how her day was. It is essential for us to feel that you think about us and worry about us. Women desire to feel the supporting shoulder. Women want to share their thoughts and open their inner world to a man, relax, and feel loved and desired.

Lack of development in relationships

Problems arise in a relationship when the goals of the partners do not meet. It is impossible to run for a long time in the same team if you are pulled in different directions.

You need to know whether your goals meet with the plans of your woman or not. Maybe she’s set on getting married soon when you’re not planning on it yet. Women break dead-end relationships. “What you want”, “what I want”, “what you expect from me”, “what I expect from you” – these are simple questions that will sweep away half of all problems and troubles.

Relationships are unique. It is impossible to predict how long they will last and where they will lead. They are like a living organism that develops and changes.

So let your relationship develop and change only for the better.

It’s okay if you think ‘outdoor activities’ and ‘social gatherings’ when you hear the word ‘date.’ You’re not alone in that regard as many [rightly] associate dates with going out than staying at home.

Of course, there are loads of fun places to see if you indeed want to go out, but on some days when all you want to do is stay home with bae, you shouldn’t have to worry about being bored or not having much to do.

And as always, Pulse Relationships got you covered.

Here are homey date ideas you should definitely try soon:Happiness is free and you can find it right at home with your partner

1. Board games

Game nights don’t have to be for families. Classic games like Monopoly, Scrabble, and Twister can actually be really fun. Or, to add an adult twist, you can play a strip version of just about anything.

2. Ask each other questions

In one famous experiment, Psychologist Arthur Aron reportedly made couples fall in love by having them ask each other 36 questions, and giving answers while looking straight into each other’s eyes.

So maybe try that with your boo, too. Even if it’s not necessarily to make you fall in love [you already are] it still gives you an interesting thing to do with your time, and helps you know even more about your partner.

That can’t be a bad thing, right?

ALSO READ: Here are toxic generalisations you don’t need while datingAfrican American Couple Cooking in the Kitchen [Credit: Shuttrestock]Shutterstock

3. Have some kitchen fun

Grab a recipe that interests both of you, and try to prepare it together. Regardless of the result, y’all are sure to catch some fun while at it.

4. Light some candles

Spread a blanket, and dine on the floor while few candles glow around you. You could actually dress up to make it look fancy. Who says you can’t?How to stay at home and have the fun of your life with your boo .Shutterstock

5. Party

Turn on that music player, jam your favourite playlist, dance and have as much fun as you would at the club, except of course, you’ll be in your living room and it’s just two of you.

6. Video games

If there is a game console, it makes it even better.

Mind you, guys, make sure you only suggest something your girl will enjoy playing. [Guess that rules out FIFA 19, yeah?]Couple playing video game.Youtube/Gamer Girl

7. Netflix and Chill

Of course, Netflix and Chill have to be an option here. Spending time cuddled up on a couch or bed with your favourite movies/series is an all-time classic and surely it remains such a pleasant way to spend romantic days or nights together with your partner.

They’re those touches, kisses, hand holding and other acts of love you do with other people around and you really don’t care whether or not they watch or witness.

PDA as it is more conveniently called has no doubt become more prominent with the popularity of all the social media platforms everyone now ceaselessly uses.

Since it’s something so common, and apparently so desirable, how does one go about this both in real life situations and online without overdoing it and disgusting other people?

1. Kissing is cute PDA

If you don’t mind doing it in public, then, fine. Just keep the tonguing at the most minimal.

And if you must share it on social media, once in a while is the best way to go about it. You can post as many cheek kisses as possible though.

Hand holding, cuddles, embraces and snuggling up to each other are really cute and inoffensive, too.Kissing is cute PDA. And you can pull it off without being annnoying or distasteful.

2. Be considerate of others

It goes without saying that if the people around you are starting to get uncomfortable about it, it may be time to actually stop, particularly if you’re being gross about it.

3. Make it look good

4. Do only what your partner likes

Your partner may be cool with PDA but only to a certain extent. You may love some ass-grabbing but your partner does not like being groped like that in public.

And that should be OK because, even in relationships, people have boundaries and you should learn to respect that.

5. It’s PDA, not outdoor porn!

No need for indecent exposure or other outrageous acts. Always try to avoid heavy petting, or dipping your hands in your partner’s most intimate parts. Leave out that part till you are behind closed doors.

Here is the difference between a relationship of two people with genuine intent and one between people with fake intent.

“If you love someone but rarely make yourself available to him or her, that is not true love.” [Credit: All This]All This

1. One takes and never gives, the other does not

If you are in a relationship where all your partner does is take and take from you without giving back, it could be a pointer to what they see the relationship as.

In a relationship that is real and both partners have the right intent to grow the relationship and form a happy partnership, energy and effort is given and taken in love.

If you are in a relationship with someone who never does but always want stuff done for them as an expression of love, that is not love. It is a distorted, fake version of it.

ALSO READ: 7 weirdest things men find attractive in women

2. Emotional distance

How close are you with this person you call partner? Can you honestly say you are bound emotionally? Are they close to you as they should be? Do you talk, do they expose their mind, heart and innermost thoughts to you?

Whether they do or not is another indicator to the kind of relationship you’re in with them.

Where there is an emotional disconnect between partner, obviously that speaks of a fake relationship. No real relationship exist in perpetual emotional disconnect. That’s more the default mode of a fake relationship.Men cheat, women cheat but women forgive more than men do.Muswada

3. Availability

Do they come running whenever you need them, or are they never in sight when you need them to be there for you?

“If you love someone but rarely make yourself available to him or her, that is not true love.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

No matter how the relationship started – with or without a clear indication of this intention – a time will come in the relationship when a deeper level of commitment will be required.

When one or both partners will demand something more from the relationship and if one partner feels he or she is not ready, the relationship faces the possibility of breaking apart.

In a previous article, it was stated that men are more likely to shy away from commitment, with [good] reasons of course and some of those reasons were listed in that article.Women are just as scared of commitment as men [Credit: Black Enterprise]

Though men are more likely to say no to serious relationship commitments, experience has shown that women are not exempted from the fear of commitment; and in the situations where this happens, here are some of the reasons why women run from that level of seriousness:

1. Unresolved issues

Sometimes, women are comfortable with the level of their relationship and want nothing more because they are at a phase of building themselves, moving on from unhealed pains from the past, and generally coming to terms with stuff in their lives.

Adding the extra commitment to a relationship might be too much to handle at that time, and it is common to hear such women say stuff like “I’m not ready.”Sometimes ex issues make it difficult for women to agree to committed relationships. [Credit : Onedio]

2. Uncertainties

When a man proposes moving to the next phase of a relationship and the girl refuses, the reason could be because she still has reservations, fears, worries, uncertainties about the guy.

Sometimes it’s about the man, not the woman.

ALSO READ: Why do boyfriends get husband privileges?

3. Hoping for someone better

Some other women would refuse to commit to their partner because they are holding out for someone better – in loving, finances, etc – to come along.Sometimes, women say no to commitment because they want better; they hope for more. [Credit: Peathegee Inc / Getty]

4. Exes

Being hung over an ex is what prevents certain other women from pledging more commitment to their present relationship.

Some babes use a certain boyfriend as a standard for all others and no matter how long it takes, or how many relationships they enter, they still remain tied to that former ex and keep hoping that he comes back.

Some women belong in this category and if there is any faint hope of that boyfriend coming back, they’ll keep everything on hold – including their present relationship with you – and wait for him.When some women refuse to be committed, it’s because they have not seen enough to warrant that level of involvement. [Credit: Ebony]

5. She’s playing

Best believe that there are ladies who refuse to commit because they’ve been in the relationship all along to only catch cruise, have fun, maybe spend your money, enjoy the sex and commit to absolutely nothing.

It’s easy to assume that you are the main chick because some men – maybe your man, too – have perfected the dark art of deceit.

So you go ahead in your little happy world loving him exclusively. You remain in that warm cocoon filled with phony promises and alternative truths.

You think your boo is your boo and that you are the only one while in reality you are the other one.

Given how married men have especially been established as serial predators of unguarded hearts, there are obviously a lot of side chicks who do not know their real place.

The indicators that you’re the side chick in your relationship are pretty recognizable, if you allow yourself see the signs and put two and two together.

So below we help you do the quick maths – and present you strong evidence that may prove that you are actually your boyfriend’s side chick:You may find out that you are actually your boyfriend’s side chick [Credit: Peathegee Inc / Getty]

1. Limited time with you

Does he come up with all sorts of excuses to not spend special moments with you?

The general special days should make you a lot more suspicious – Christmas, new-year, even Valentine’s. These are the most difficult days to excuse one’s self from when you’re in a serious, exclusive relationship.

So if he’s regularly coming up with excuses to miss all of these days, well, chances are that he needs to be with the real one.

No matter how well he treats you, side chicks are still side chicks – a distraction from whatever commitment he already made to another woman.You should ask questions when you feel you are not getting the right kind of energy off your man. [Credit: Giphy]

ALSO READ: Women, it’s time to stop assuming that perfect men come ready-made

2. Overly guarded with his phone

Ok, this is some sort of hot potato when it comes to relationships generally. The issue of phones, passwords, gadgets and privacy will always generate divided opinions, of course.

However, there is an undeniable secrecy you’ll sense when someone is trying to hide something. Is he deleting call history, changing passwords frequently, guarding his phone like nuclear codes?

There’s a chance that you’re likely the side chick.If your man really never shows you off, you have the right to be bothered. [Credit: Muswada]Muswada

3. Never shows you off to anyone

Not to friends, not to family or even followers on ANY social media platform despite having a strong, thriving presence online. There is a case to be made for private men who love to keep their business private.

While we can all appreciate their low-key spirit, we can also agree that it’s a bit unusual, even suspicious to love a whole woman for about six months to a year without anyone knowing about it.

If he’s not introducing you to his world – real or virtual – there’s every need to question that man and his intentions.

Stay woke, Queen