I knew what it was like being the new kid on the block.

It was a pattern I did not want to repeat with my children. I planned to raise them in a “forever” house. The forever house was a beautiful concept to me.

We all know someone who spent their whole life in one house. Either their parents still live there, or they bought it from their parents.

And it’s this gorgeous, proper house with a lot of bedrooms, plenty of space, a lovely yard, and amazing neighbors. (And they bought it so long ago that the amount of appreciation and equity they have in the house now is staggering! The children are set for inheritances!)

My ex and I were fortunate because we could buy one of these spectacular forever homes: a 3,000-square-foot architectural on the hills of Brentwood.

It was gorgeous and everything I ever dreamed of open floor plans, 11-foot ceilings, large spaces, four bedrooms, a huge playroom, and plenty of outdoor space. There was room for a pool if we ever desired to have one.

I was in love. Life was sublime until one day, it wasn’t anymore.

My ex and I divorced when the children were 7 and 5. Instead of alimony, I fought tooth and nail to keep my “forever” house. I struggled for two years, paying the mortgage on time and watching as my savings dwindled. But, in my head, I knew it wasn’t a wise choice financially; I was suffering under the weight of this house, and it wasn’t good for anyone.

I had to come to terms with letting my house go. Not a remotely easy thing to do. It was my dream, my promise — to myself and my children and to not move them around. It was my “forever” house … the one I thought I would ultimately die in. Of all the places I’d lived, this was the home I’d been in the longest. I struggled with what I should do. Many nights were filled with tears.

I would lie on the floor of my children’s rooms and weep (as quietly as possible).

My heart broke at the thought of leaving. But one day, my perspective changed. I decided to stop feeling sorry for my children and myself and instead feel grateful I’d had the honor and the privilege to live in such a beautiful place, even if it was a far shorter time than I had planned.

I walked around my house, gave myself time to appreciate its beauty and craftsmanship, and recalled the happy times I spent with my family in each room. Out loud, I said “thank you” to my house. I cried tears of joy mixed with sadness. Nostalgia is a powerful emotion.

I had no regret about taking my house instead of alimony. Doing so allowed me independence, and I could sell my home on my terms and timeline. I saw my house as a means of financial freedom from my ex. When I ultimately sold it, I could walk away with a chunk of cash I could then invest on my own, supporting my two children and myself.

Slowly and carefully, I allowed myself to feel my emotions to move forward. I wrote in a journal for forty days straight to get my feelings out. I enlisted the help of a friend to go with me and see the rentals first, examining them before taking my kids. He offered a shoulder to cry on when reality hit home. I would live in one of these “temporary” abodes.

Saying goodbye is challenging.

Divorce is heart-wrenching. Moving is stressful. And putting a dream to rest is overwhelming. Combine all these, and it’s too much for one person to experience all at once.

Crying helped and having support was my lifeline.

As a realtor, I knew the real estate market so my knowledge was an unbelievable blessing. Eventually, I found the place I was looking for a large condo in the heart of Brentwood. The location allowed me and my kids to walk everywhere. I chose it for its novelty, and I wouldn’t feel alone when my children were off with their father. It was affordable, convenient, and easy — plus a pool, hot tub, and ping-pong table!

I was apprehensive when I took my kids to see it. My son, in particular, loved our old house and was so upset about the idea of moving. To my surprise and relief, he loved the condo and told me we should move there.

It turns out we were happy in our condo.

We lived there for 15 months, which gave me time to regroup. It was indeed easy living. We walked, swam, hit countless ping-pong balls, and laughed. I won’t gloss over the fact I missed my house. I longed for my place, pond, yard, and life in the hills. But the condo gave me time and space to heal and realize my kids and I were OK.

We loved being together. And I was proud of myself for facing and embracing reality.

Today, I’m a homeowner once again. I live in a slightly smaller version of my first “forever” house. Built the same year, 1959, it was a mid-century architecture, with slightly lower ceilings but a much larger piece of property.

The house is not in Brentwood, I couldn’t afford that, but it’s in a location I’ve learned to love in the hills of Sherman Oaks. Our neighbors are fabulous, and we’ve got a nature preserve right behind our house, where I go hiking with my dogs.

I’ve never been happier in a house. Life is funny that way. I won’t say it’s my “forever” house because I don’t want to tempt fate. I will say it’s a dream come true, and I’m forever grateful.

Declaring your love verbally is critical, but it isn’t the only thing our kids need, not by a long shot! Love looks different to each of us and how we give love and experience depends on our background and temperament. In other words, love is a subjective experience, even in childhood.

Raising successful children is not an easy road, and doing it well takes practice and courage. We ALL make tons of mistakes along the way. I was a teen parent and a single parent, so I made more mistakes than I can count.

My kids, now grown, still love to remind and chide me about mistakes I made when they were small people.

At this point, we can laugh about it, and thankfully, we communicate with each other honestly and with mutual respect. Clear, honest communication with your children is the starting point, and then all other things flow much easier.

Here are 6 things that mean way more to your kids than hearing ‘I love you:’

1. When you open up communication (and keep it open)

Listen to your kids, ask questions, and show them that you understand. Authentic listening is a lost art that needs to be revived, and there’s no better way than teaching children how to listen and be listened to. Say what you mean, mean what you say, make no idle threats or promises, be true to your word, no baby talk or talking down, no false voices — essentially, be clear and real. 

How you talk about hard things is the real issue, so words need to match experience, and difficult subjects should not be avoided. If you are crystal clear about your intentions and why you are discussing a particular topic, then you can choose your words carefully and wisely. Speak clearly and calmly, ask questions, and listen carefully. You will teach your children powerful communication skills.

2. When you make it okay to learn from mistakes

Demonstrate through your own mistakes how to learn, change, and grow. If you show your children how to recover from mistakes and make better choices, they will be more likely to talk with you honestly about themselves. You will also be letting them know that you will not reject them for making a mistake. Not only is learning from mistakes possible, but it makes us better people!

3. When you help them do their best

Teach your children to always do their best and be true to their ideas by putting your best effort into parenting them. Help them explore their ideas and thoughts even if those ideas aren’t popular or interesting to others. Sometimes this one is really painful and hard because we so badly want our children to fit in and feel included.

However, often the best lesson is learning to be different in the world and still feel good about yourself. Embrace a “give a good try” mindset in your family. Teach your kids to love learning and curiosity. It will help them to do their best always.

4. When you make sure everyone in the family is treated with respect

Be kind and considerate of others because manners will take you very far in this life. Good manners are keys that open doors. Parents need to model respect as well as expect it. As you would also treat the planet with respect by not littering, this encourages the building of empathy and teaches kids (and us) to be present to the wonder around us.

5. When you share your feelings (and let them share theirs)

Feelings come and go, whether we like the feelings or not. Allowing our children to experience emotions is important. If we teach kids to acknowledge their feelings in childhood, to discuss them as needed, and not to run away from painful emotions; we further their abilities to be emotionally healthy adults. It’s also okay to be human (albeit, age-appropriate) about sharing your own emotions. 

6. When you accept your kids for who they really

Accepting kids for who they are is more important than telling them they can be whatever they want to be. Let your kids be themselves while you love and accept them because our kids are not mini replicas of us, but unique people with their gifts and interests.

Help them to find their strengths. When we let our children discover their talents and love, then they become well-rounded people and have better coping mechanisms throughout life.

If you incorporate these 6 behaviors into your family’s daily life, you will have marvelous children, guaranteed! The key to remember is that you have to practice them, not only with your children but also with yourself. Eventually, many of us come to realize upon growing up that we need to learn to parent ourselves because we did not receive the parenting we needed as children.

There’s a poem I remember from my childhood, it used to be a poster on people’s walls, and it said, “Children Learn What They Live.”

 I remember, wishing that my parents would follow the advice of that poem, but using the advice with my children while hoping they do the same as we go onward, doing our best every step of the way, failing, succeeding, and learning to show our love the best we can

He said parents had a crucial role in shaping the lives of their children, and their ability to instill in them discipline and orderliness would enable them to become responsible citizens and guard themselves against violent extremists. 

“Your children would only be able to cater for your needs at your old age when you train them to be responsible and as parents, that task is on you now to instill in them discipline, to enable them to resist the activities of violent extremists and contribute meaningfully to national development,” he added.

Mr Elbazer said this when he engaged parents and guardians at Gane-Asonge in the Nabdam District of the Upper East Region on violent extremism.

The engagement formed part of the Preventing and Containing Violent Extremism (PCVE) project being implemented by the NCCE across eight border regions of the country, including the Upper East, Upper West, North East, Northern, Savannah, Bono, Bono East, and the Oti Regions.

It is being funded by the European Union (EU) and aimed at creating awareness about violent extremism and facilitating activities to engender among the citizens of Ghana, security consciousness, social inclusiveness, community cohesion, and situational awareness.

He emphasised that the youth were the targets of the violent extremists, and parents had a role to play in helping their children guard themselves against radicalization.

The Principal Civic Education Officer of the NCCE, Nabdam District, Fatima Atamina Mohammed, said the peace being enjoyed could not be taken for granted and underscored the need for parents to be vigilant and help the security agencies fight crime.

According to her, “security is a collective responsibility, and as citizens, it is bestowed on us to help the security agencies, since they cannot be everywhere at the same time, by reporting to them suspicious characters and other activities that have the tendency to mar the peace we are enjoying.”.

The National Deputy Director of the NCCE, Victor Brobbey, urged parents to help the NCCE advance education on violent extremism by speaking to their children and others on occasions, for the maintenance of peace for development to thrive.

Mr Norbert Naab Tulbil, a participant, expressed gratitude to the NCCE for the education on security consciousness but bemoaned that unemployment was a serious problem frustrating the youth and needed to be tackled.

He said: “For the youth not to be lured because of their financial dependency and curiosity, the government needs to tackle the issue of unemployment, and this includes creating job opportunities and ensuring that those who are 60 years old go on retirement without contract, to pave the way for the youth.”

Here are some reasons why you might consider stopping this practice after a certain age:

1. Privacy

As children get older, they begin to develop a sense of privacy. They may become uncomfortable or self-conscious about being naked in front of their parents or caregivers.

Respecting their need for privacy is important for their emotional and psychological development.

2. Independence

Bathing together may hinder a child’s ability to learn how to bathe themselves and develop essential self-care skills.

Encouraging independence in tasks like bathing can help them build confidence and a sense of autonomy.

3. Safety

As children grow and become more mobile, there may be safety concerns when sharing a bath.

They may become too big or active to safely share the space without the risk of slipping or other accidents.

4. Boundaries

Teaching children about personal boundaries is important to their social and emotional development.

By stopping communal bathing, you can help them understand and respect the concept of personal boundaries and consent.

5. Developmental differences

Children mature at different rates, and what’s appropriate for one child may not be for another.

It’s essential to pay attention to your child’s comfort level and maturity to determine when it’s time to stop bathing together.

Though they are children respect their boundaries and provide guidance on personal hygiene and privacy as they grow.

If they had a boy, the wife would have first dibs, but they welcomed a daughter it would be up to the hubby to pick.

The woman was so convinced they were going to have a boy that her family gave her a pile of blue gifts at her baby shower and her mum was knitting clothes bearing the male name she’d chosen.

However, when the big day finally arrived they were blessed with a little girl, so the dad started thinking of the perfect name.

He decided to go for a name he had been keen on throughout the pregnancy and told his wife he would be popping it on the birth certificate. She appeared to have no objection so he went to make it official.

But a year later, he came home from work and found his wife and mother-in-law discussing their daughter, but they were referring to her by a different name.

Taking to Reddit, the confused father wrote: “When I enquired who they were talking about, they kinda went ‘deer in headlights’ and blurted that they were talking about my daughter.

“When I asked why they were using another name, my mother-in-law said ‘because that’s what we decided to name her’. Then she went on a rant about how it’s unfair that I chose the name and how it’s completely unsuitable for her, etc.

“I was shocked because this was the first time anyone had claimed any objections to the name.”

It then dawned on the poster, who goes by the username u/Ok-Toe-5157, that his daughter has always struggled to recognise her own name because he and his wife have been using two completely different names for the past year.

His wife later suggested they go as far as to officially change their daughter’s name. When he stuck to his guns, a fight erupted, with the new mum accusing him of being ‘unsupportive’ and stealing ‘her right to name the child she gave birth to.’

He continued: “Here’s the worst part. I could be convinced to change the first name but the one she wants is a very odd feminine version of the name she wanted for her son.

“Imagine using a female version of the name Drake or Thomas. She got angry and left both my daughter and me, and went to her parents.

“Her entire family except my father-in-law is calling me controlling and saying how it’s unfair I chose the entire name and made it all about myself.”

He claims his wife’s behaviour is “out of left field and creepy” that he’s even considering divorce, and has begun to feel that “she may be trying to recreate this son by sacrificing our daughter”.

His fellow Reddit users have agreed that her actions are completely out of order, viewing this long-held secret – and subsequent explosive reaction – as a ‘huge red flag’.

One person wrote: “You not only had an agreement that she’d choose a boy’s name, and you a girl’s, but that you both had veto power. She had every opportunity to have input into the name.

“The only person being controlling here is the one trying to insist that twelve months later she gets to change your daughter’s name. To basically the boy’s name she’d chosen. That’s weird and mildly disturbing.”

Another advised: “Your wife and mother-in-law are engaging in some A-1 quality gaslighting. You and your wife had an agreement and they’re trying to turn you into the bad guy because you’re sticking to it.

“Get some family counselling to understand what is going on here. Divorce may be inevitable but they’re the ones going down that path.”

I’m a 28-year-old woman and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years after meeting during our first year at university.

We had a daughter four years ago, which wasn’t planned, but we both adore her.

My problem is, while I’ve matured and take parenting and family life really seriously, he seems to have gone the other way and has been reliving his teenage years.

Now life is opening up again following the lockdowns, he’s at the pub a lot with his mates or stays late at work. Meaning I’m doing most of the childcare, while he gets to do all the fun stuff like playing with her and reading bedtime stories.

I feel bad complaining because I do really love him and I know he loves us, but I just wish he’d grow up a bit and take on more responsibility at home.

I’m worried our relationship is sliding into an unhealthy place and he’s just not present enough.

I can feel myself getting angry with him, which has never happened before.

How can I get him to see things from my point of view without causing a massive argument to blow up?

Coleen says

Just talk about it, but don’t go into it thinking it’s going to be an argument. Approach it calmly and make it a ­discussion where you listen to each other.

Try to get him to appreciate that you’re only 28 too, yet you’re being expected to stay at home a lot while he’s out with his mates or colleagues.

Compromise is the key to any healthy, long-term relationship – taking it in turns, supporting the other person and trying to find a balance that works for both of you.

Tackle it now and come up with a plan before it does slide into a place that’s hard to get out of.

Coleen says

Just talk about it, but don’t go into it thinking it’s going to be an argument. Approach it calmly and make it a ­discussion where you listen to each other.

Try to get him to appreciate that you’re only 28 too, yet you’re being expected to stay at home a lot while he’s out with his mates or colleagues.

Compromise is the key to any healthy, long-term relationship – taking it in turns, supporting the other person and trying to find a balance that works for both of you.

Tackle it now and come up with a plan before it does slide into a place that’s hard to get out of.

At his age, he’s going through all kinds of hormonal and sexual changes, discovering who he is and experimenting.

He might be doing it for fun, comfort or sexual reasons, and he might lose interest in cross-dressing or it may become a lifelong thing.

If you want to support him, I think the most important thing is to emphasise that it’s a form of expression and not something he has to resist, feel guilty about or overcome.

Generally, people who cross dress don’t see themselves as a different gender to the one they were assigned at birth.

There’s plenty of support and information available online – visit beaumontsociety.org.uk

Dear Coleen

My son is desperately fighting for the right to see his seven-year-old daughter after going through an acrimonious divorce.

He also suffered a brain injury a few years ago and has struggled emotionally ever since.

He attempted to end his life because his ex-wife won’t allow him to see his daughter and his doctor put him on a course of anti-depressants.

What can he do when her solicitor, social services and Citizens Advice do not respond to his pleas and requests for help?

He has solicitor’s fees of thousands of pounds to pay, so he’s at the point where he can’t afford legal advice anymore.

The court process for custody is going to take months.

I’d be grateful for any advice.

Coleen says

Personally, I think the system for fathers is outdated and desperately needs looking into, and even when rights are granted there can be lots of restrictions put in place.

It’s very sad and so damaging when someone uses a child to hurt an ex-partner, so if that’s the case I really feel for your son and the rest of your family.

It sounds as if you’re going down all the right channels. You don’t say if Cafcass is involved, but you can find more information at cafcass.gov.uk.

As a mum, I think the most important thing you can do is to support your son with his mental health and wellbeing, so he feels stronger and more able to cope with the process.

Antidepressants are a good short-term measure, but I think ongoing counselling is vital, so encourage him to speak to his GP about a referral or you can visit bacp.co.uk to find a private therapist in your area.

It’s very hard to watch your son go through this, but try to take things one step at a time. In the meantime, keep everything for your granddaughter – cards, gifts and so on. Trust that at some point she will want to have a relationship with her father.

I’d like to reply to the woman having revenge sex with other men in retaliation for her husband’s cheating (Dear Coleen, Jan 25).

You make a fine pair and should stay together and work it out! Stop thinking about yourselves for a moment and think about your kids and what they need from their parents.

But that doesn’t mean mums and dads don’t still feel pressure to behave a certain way or do things differently with their children.

One mother has recently opened up about her own parenting situation, claiming that she doesn’t think she’s a very good mum because she is too “selfish and self-absorbed”.

Speaking anonymously to 9Honey, the parent told how she had always wanted to have children, but when she finally did, she wasn’t ready to give up her ‘me time’ and didn’t have any patience.

She said: “I’d wanted to be a mother since I was very young remember – probably the age of six is the earliest time I can recall wanting to be a mum.

“When my partner and I got together we were very young and then got married in our mid-20s. I told him that I wanted to be a mum as soon as possible so we had our first child when I was 27, then our second when I was 29, and our third when I was 30.

“But here’s the thing; I love my kids but I don’t think I’m a great mother. I’m just too selfish and self-absorbed.

“I know this because I’ve had years of counselling about it. I do think that people who are like me shouldn’t be parents.”

After 8:30 pm the kids aren’t allowed to bother her while she watches Netflix (stock photo)

The mum went on to say that she complains whenever her kids ask her to do something and she never liked playing with her kids.

“When they were toddlers I played with them as much as I could but I found myself getting so irritated over the slightest thing. Or when the kids had fights, I would fly off the handle. I just had no patience for them when they were small,” she explained.

“And now that they’re getting older, I haven’t improved.”

Other reasons why she thinks she’s not a good parent, include wanting “me time”

The mum tells how she’s “addicted” to Netflix (aren’t we all) and that once it hits 8:30 pm, her kids know they have to go to their rooms and not disturb her while she watches TV.

She claims she’s been criticised for doing this by relatives.

“My sister, who is a really good mother, tells me I’m being too selfish and I can’t expect to have ‘me time’ every single night. Especially when the kids might need my attention or need help with homework,” she says.

“My sister said, ‘Have you ever thought that your kids might just want to hang out with you? Maybe they can watch some Netflix with you instead of being banished to their rooms?'”

I sat up on the exam table, my husband next to me. Our doctor turned her back on us and asked for the date of my last period. With her calendar wheel in hand, she turned around and pronounced that May 30th would be my due date.

It’s called superfoetation – when someone conceives then conceives again between two weeks and a month later.

It’s extremely rare in humans. This is only the sixth time it’s happened in 100 years.

Fertility expert Professor Simon Fishel says: “It ought not to happen, but it does.”

“The first case was reported in 1865 and there have been odd ones every now and again over the decade.”

Most of us assume that once a woman becomes pregnant then that’s it, but not according to the man who delivered the first IVF baby in 1978.

“Evolution is designed, especially in women, that they don’t release another egg,” he says.

“If they ever did then it shouldn’t be fertilised because the sperm shouldn’t be able to get through.

“Even if that happens the lining of the womb would be unable to accept another embryo as changes have taken place while the foetus is growing in there.”

It is remarkable for superfoetation to occur, but there’s not always a happy ending.

“There have been cases where the other foetus has died in the womb as one could stop growing and have to be delivered early,” says the professor.

One of the questions raised is how the foetuses will cope in the womb and whether they will end up competing at feeding time.

“It depends on the quality of the placenta, that is the most important thing for nutrition and development of the growing baby,” Prof Fishel adds.

“If the placenta develops normally then it’s fine but if the placenta fuses then that can cause problem. In the superfoetation situation we’ve seen here, it’s worked fine.”

It’s claimed it’s more prevalent in animals such as rodents, rabbits, horses and sheep.

Although rare in humans these miracle births do happen and sometimes can be even more extreme.

“There was a case in Rome some time ago where they estimated it was about three to four months difference,” says Prof Fishel.